As everyone in the world or in my little world knows I've been struggling with infertility for 7 years now, well I'm pregnant! Yes I'm serious! LOL everyone I've told thought I was lying at first lol. I was over a week late so I told Danny that I needed to get a pregnancy test so that I could go ahead and start, so the Tuesday night I asked Danny to do something with me we've never done before, we prayed together, the very next morning I took the test and it turned immediately it was so exciting, all day Wednesday I was in total disbelief, shock and aww, I am going to finally after 7 long years be a mommy!!! My first official due date is August 11th, 2009!!! Yay just had to spread the word. Will keep my blog updated with all of the good little details.
I know unless your in my shoes you don't know what it feels like to be infertile, so I thought I would try and help everyone understand. When someone else around you gets great news for example they are pregnant, you automatically feel this weight on your chest, for those that aren't in my shoes may wonder why would someone else's good news make you feel bad? Well it's not so much that I feel bad it's like a weight of jealousy. They have just gotten something I've been trying for and wanting for years. It's childish really but that's the way it is. It's not that I'm not happy for these friends or family members because I am so very happy for them, it's just that I really want it for myself. On the other hand, I don't want anyone going through what we've had to go through so I'm relieved when a friend that's been trying for months on end finally becomes pregnant but at the same time I'm jealous because I wish it was that easy for me. I'm a freak of nature lol. So that's what it feels like when someone else announces their good fortune.
As far as the pain I feel, it's a daily thing I deal with. I see families all around me and I wish I had my own. I feel incomplete, broken, damaged, and jealous all at the same time. How can that be healthy? It isn't lol. The broken parts of me make me depressed I don't want to do anything or see anyone or for that matter talk to anyone either. I feel ashamed that I'm like this, I feel like an outsider in my group of friends that have children, especially when everyone is hanging out and their kids are there and I'm the only one without. No one notices the pain I have because I mask it with a smile, and if someone catches me looking a little sad and says what's wrong? I laugh and say nothing why would you think that? See there is a constant mask on my face. But the mask is beautiful, she is happy, and carefree has no kids, gets to go and come as she pleases, she loves her life, she is not me! The real me may be beautiful with no kids and she may get to go and come as she pleases but would give that up to be a mom, yes I love my life but it's missing so much! It's missing babies crying, it's missing first foot steps, it's missing the up all night baby, it's missing the falling in love with someone day after day after day and not knowing that my heart could hold so much love feeling, it's missing the little milestones in a babies life, it's missing watching my husband play with the baby, it's missing looking at that sweet precious baby and thanking God everyday that he gave me this gift.
As much as I love being able to go out with my friends I would be just as happy to say no sorry I don't have a baby sitter, or let me ask someone if they can watch the baby. See the simple things that everyone takes for granted I'm missing them.
How come every single fuckin time I go through the "great depression" when I'm on the upside and starting to feel better someone else ends up pregnant? I mean come on now! It also seems to always be someone that thinks they are infertilie like me and ask for my advice and have only tried for a few months and then WHAM right in the kisser. UGH I hate infertility.
No that's not the name of a new club or bar I'm going to it's the way I've been feeling lately, ok lately I really mean the last 2 months. I've been in a funk, depression, sad, evil, bitch face depression. I didn't realize how bad I was in it until the other night. Danny told me that I am different lately that all I do is sit on the couch and watch tv or play on the computer, he wasn't happy at all. It's the truth though, I don't feel like doing anything but sitting there, I went to the gym last night the first time in 2 months, and felt so good when I left there those endorphins must have kicked in quicker than normal needless to say I needed them so badly. I told Danny I'm broken, it's the truth I really am, everyday I feel like there is a hole inside of me that keeps getting bigger by the day, apparently it's so big now that it's coming out in the form of bitch face and lazy ass! I hate those people bitch face is the bitch she is evil she can be nice one minute and then mean the next, no one wants to hang out with bitch face not even me! And then we have lazy ass she is someone that only wants to sit on her ass no matter what she is the laziest lazy person I've ever met. I am so sick of having a bitch face and a lazy ass!!! I'm also sick of having heart ache and infertility issues, but anyone who reads my blogs knows this!
When I was going to the therapist about my infertility she told me to name the person inside of me that is hurting so I gave her my middle name "Elizabeth" she told me to tell her that I was sorry, and tell her I forgive her and talk to her, aka myself! I was thinking about that yesterday after my two days of HELL! And I just out loud said I love you Elizabeth, it's ok, we are ok, I forgive you and I'm sorry for everything. It's crazy how good that felt, I think I really needed to forgive myself and let myself know it's ok that I get in these funks sometimes, but I also promised myself that we would change things, that we would make things better even if that meant taking our happy pills!
So last night I went to my weight watcher meeting, this is the 9th week that I've been going, UGH I gained 1.2 lbs, it is my period week but it's also been Halloween week and I've been depressed so I've been eating my feelings. So total for 9 weeks I'm at a total gain of .2 lbs that FUCKIN SUCKS! So my weight watcher leader informs me that she wants me to write everything I eat down and bring it to her so that she can see what I'm doing wrong, I know what I'm doing wrong... I'm not doing it! It sucks, my cousin Leslie started weeks after me and has lost a total of 8.6 lbs I'm so happy for her but come on Amy Elizabeth you can do this!!! Even through the depression I want this more than anything, usually when I get in a funk I say Fuck it, and stop going to meetings, but I haven't yet that's gotta say something. I must want this, I do want this, I have to do this NO MORE EXCUSES!
Bitch face, lazy ass, Amy, and Elizabeth we are doing this!!! HA HA HA I have 4 personalities!!! I'm fucked up in the head o shit! Wish me luck!
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. And well y'all know me lol, Lil Miss Infertility herself has to write a blog about it lol. Hardly ever do you find me in a smiley/happy mood when I write a blog about infertility but this one is different. I am happy there is a week like this, I just wish it was more out there and loud and everyone in America knew about it like they do other Awareness months and weeks, I wish I could just do something to spread the word more than just my blogs but oh well.
So for those of you that know me you know that infertility is like my shadow it's always there even though sometimes of the day you can't see it. For those of you that don't know this about me, you really should read my blogs lol!!!
When your married the first part of your marriage you get the questions like "so how is married life?" I use to answer just like it was before lol. And then as all married people know we get the "So when are you going to have children?" question, and I use to answer as soon as possible, I was in a pissed off mood one time when someone asked me and I said I guess when a kid falls out lol. I get asked that questions by people that know me, people that know we've had this problem, aunts and uncles. On the good days I'm nice, and then other times they ask me on a bad day and those days I end up being the biggest smart ass in the world, I say things like "well we've been trying", or "we have problems", or I might even get bitchier and say "who knows, I have problems that keep us from getting prego." that doesn't sound that bitchy in text but the way my brain was adding in the tude it really was lol. The other day our insurance agent for the office came in, he comes by at least once a year if not twice, he was talking to Angela about her son Tyler being 17 and able to drive, then he looks over in my office and says "do you have any children yet?" Of course I said no not yet, and then he says "are you going to or are you just going to be kid free forever able to go and come as you please?" well that hit a nerve and I was so trying to be nice and said "well I would have gotten pregnant the day we got married, it just didn't work out that way" and he was like oh ok and then left soon after that. My sister said doesn't that piss you off when people ask you that, I said maybe he didn't know, and she said he asks you every time he comes in here!!! The funny thing is one of our salesmen came in the other day and asked when I was going to have kids and before I could say anything Angela jumped to it and it sounded a little smart ass (don't remember her exact words lol) and it for some reason made me feel better that she was the one that had to say it not me, I am so sick and tired of telling people that I am infertile that I am the one with the problem, that I can't have babies.
But the one thing I am more sick of is people telling me stupid things to try and help, like just relax and it will happen, go on vacation and it will happen, don't stress and it will happen, stand on your head after sex and it will happen, stop trying and it will just happen, and that's just a few that I've heard!!! It's like I have been trying to have a baby for over 7 years don't you think I've tried all of that? Let's see here relax well the last couple of years I quit trying I just decided to let it happen if it was going to happen... did it happen??? hmmmm Nope!!! In the 7 years I've went on vacation with Danny to Bahamas, Aruba, St. Thomas, On a cruise to Jamaica, Cozumel, and Grand Cayman Islands, another cruise to Bermuda, to Panama City Beach FL a hundred times, Gatlinburg, Gulf Shores AL, New York City, and I'm sure about 10 other places I can't think of right now and going on vacation didn't get me knocked up either. The only thing standing on my head did was give me a head ache!!!
People that have never been through this don't know how hard it is, I read somewhere that infertility is like mourning a death, because every month when Uncle T.O.M. and Aunt Flo visit it's just an awful reminder that you didn't make a baby. I can say that I don't feel like that every month, it's not the same pain, with loosing a loved one you actually got the pleasure of knowing that person so you get to miss them and the pain of loosing a loved one is understanded around the world. Where as every month I'm left wondering if I'll ever get to meet my baby, and people don't understand that pain. Some months have been harder, the months that we had IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) done I expected to be pregnant those months and the pain was almost unbearable, I cried myself to sleep countless nights, it was so bad that Danny asked if we could take a break because he couldn't stand seeing me like that anymore. I've gotten better about hiding my pain behind a smile.
I've had friends that know everything we've been through tell me how strong they think I am because every time they see me I have a smile on my face, when I hear of pregnancies I smile while deep down inside I'm dying of jealousy and pain and the question why not me. When I hear someone else is pregnant I feel bad for feeling those things and then I have guilt because I should have been more supportive and more congratulatory towards them, I feel like I've lost my compassion, I feel like I've lost my ability to be completely happy for others, I feel like a big green monster of jealousy. I hate what infertility has done to me. It's even been a strain on some of my friendships I found myself pushing people away or not talking to them or answering phone calls for the simple fact that I was so depressed that I couldn't talk to anyone because I was afraid they were going to ask me something about babies or one of our appointments and I couldn't talk about it without crying and I didn't want to cry anymore.
It got to be so bad I just knew I was going to get pregnant back then (back then I mean around the IUI in 2003!!!) that I bought all of the stuff I wanted for my nursery the baby bedding, the light switch cover, a little piggy bank, a lamp shade, a night light, book ends everything matched my theme of precious moments Noah's ark. I've had this stuff in a box in our attic since 2003, when Danny's nephew Adrian moved in and we had a baby bed for him instead of buying new stuff I decided to get the bedding out and use it since I didn't think I would ever get to use it for my own baby, it was so hard to walk into our extra bedroom with two baby beds set up, one for Jeffrey and one for Adrian, and see that bedding being used for someone elses child. See that's what I mean by jealousy, it shows up at the wrong time! I let Amber keep the bedding when she moved out but just the other week when we had a yard sale I decided it was time to get rid of the other reminders, so as I'm sitting out in my driveway pricing all of our stuff I come to that box, that box that's been sitting in my attic taunting me all these years, I pull out piece by piece, pricing each of them after I had them all out on the table I see the book, it was a story book for kids that was just like the theme of the bedding. I had the whole room planned out on a piece of paper stuck inside this book. As soon as I opened it and saw the drawing of the babies nursery my eyes filled up, as they are right now, and I sat there in the middle of my driveway with tears rolling down my face, luckily for me no one was there yet, then Danny pulled in and asked what was wrong all I had to do was show him the drawing and the only thing he said was "oh!" he knew what I was feeling cause he felt it too, it was just as hard when that was the first few items I sold. It felt like I was giving up, even though I'm not and never will, but it was hard to give that stuff up.
Ok I'm done lol, I started this to be all about making people aware of the week, aware of infertility, and it turned into being a blog about the pain, but then again infertility is pain it's a pain in my chest, and it's a pain in my ass. So I hope I've made even one more person aware of infertility. Thanks for reading my blog. Have a wonderful day!
Why is it that you try something new one month and you just expect that it's going to work? I mean just because I read some other person who had PCOS and was trying for so long got pregnant after using this product one time doesn't mean it's going to happen to me!!! Of course I expected that it was going to and I hate that I always get my hopes up, I'm very proud of myself though even though my hopes were sky high I didn't go all crazy white girl lol.
That was in September... this is now November 5th and I've gone through one more month of negative testing... IT SUCKS... Depression Sucks!! Infertility fuckin sucks!!! That's all for now lol.
PCOS Awarness Month
September is PCOS Awarness month. I have PCOS, it is the reason for my infertility. PCOS is a part of my life, it effects the way my body deals with insulin, my hair loss on the top of my head (yes I have a bald spot), if effects my menstral cycles, it also makes me sometime not ovulate, which is really bad since I want to so bad to be a mom, it effects my weight gain/loss. PCOS has so many symptoms it's insane. I have to take Metformin twice a day to lower my insulin due to PCOS, and most people don't know this about me, they might know that I am dealing with infertility but I figure since it is PCOS Awarness Month I thought I should spread the word, for those of you that don't think you have it, GOOD I don't want you to have it lol, but you may know someone else that might. SO SPREAD THE WORD!!!! Get educated, google PCOS for more information. I've also included some info from other websites.
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome At A Glance
Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is an illness characterized by irregular or no periods, acne, obesity, and excess hair growth.
Women with PCOS are at a higher risk for obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart disease.
With proper treatment, risks can be minimized. Ideal treatment is directed to each of the manifestations of PCOS.
What are the symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS)?
The symptoms of PCOS include:
Irregular or no menstrual periods
Acne
Obesity, and
Excess hair growth
Other signs and symptoms of PCOS include:
weight gain,
acne,
oily skin,
dandruff,
infertility,
skin discolorations,
high cholesterol levels,
elevated blood pressure, and
abnormal hair growth and distribution.
Any of the above symptoms and signs may be absent in PCOS, with the exception of irregular or no menstrual periods. All women with PCOS will have irregular or no menstrual periods. Women who have PCOS do not regularly ovulate; that is, they do not release an egg every month. This is why they do not have regular periods.
No one is quite sure what causes PCOS. Although women with PCOS often have a mother or sister with the condition, there is not enough scientific evidence to prove that the condition may be inherited. The ovaries of women with PCOS frequently contain a number of small cysts, hence the name poly (many) cystic ovarian syndrome. A similar number of cysts may occur in women without PCOS. Therefore, the cysts themselves do not seem to be the cause of the problem. A malfunction of the body's blood sugar control system (insulin system) is frequent in women with PCOS, and researchers believe that these abnormalities may be related to the development of PCOS. It is known that the ovaries of women with PCOS produce excess amounts of male hormone known as androgen. This excessive production of male hormones may be a result of the abnormalities in insulin production.
Women with PCOS are at a higher risk for a number of illnesses, including high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, and cancer of the uterus (endometrial cancer). Much of this risk can be reversed by exercise and weight loss. Additionally, it is important for women with PCOS to have regular periods. If a woman does not have regular periods, her risk of cancer of the uterus (endometrial cancer) is increased. Medication is generally prescribed to induce regular periods. Obesity is a complication of PCOS. Reducing the medical risks from PCOS-associated obesity requires hard work on the part of the woman with PCOS and is often frustrating.
Here is a quick test... http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LnBjb3N1cHBvcnQub3JnL3N1cHBvcnQvcXVpei5waHA=
This next segment is from...http://pcos.insulitelabs.com/blog/index.php?p=199
Almost 7 million women in the U.S. alone have PCOS and less than half know they have the syndrome. Public information and awareness of the symptoms and the serious nature of the disorder are crucial to identifying women in need of treatment.
September is National PCOS Awareness Month and we invite you to think about how you can become an advocate for PCOS awareness this month and into the future.
As difficult as it may be for many of us to talk about PCOS, I ask you to join other PCOSA members, women with PCOS and their friends and become involved to make a difference. You could potentially help someone who is unaware that they have the syndrome. Just think how wide PCOS awareness could spread if we all took action.
We ask you to share your knowledge of PCOS with others. Our goal is to foster knowledge and sensitivity to those with the condition. Have you ever told someone about PCOS who has never heard of the syndrome before? Was their reaction shock, disbelief or confusion as to why they had never heard of this before, since it is so common?
Perhaps you have a mother, daughter, sister, or female friend who is overweight and honestly not sure why. Perhaps a female friend suffers from excess facial hair, but mistakenly assumes this is only a cosmetic problem. Tell them they can start by taking the quiz at http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LnBjb3N1cHBvcnQvcXVpei5waHA= which will help them to evaluate their risks and will guide them toward "next steps" in seeking help from a doctor. Help spread the word about PCOS. You never know who may learn from us and in turn, get the help they need.
As you work toward your healthy summer achievements, think about what you can do to make sure that your overall health is your focus throughout the year. Awareness of PCOS is not about identifying with a disease, it's about recognizing the advantages to healthy living, and the impact that has to your quality of life and to your longevity.
PCOSA is now accepting donations for our PCOS Awareness Auction, to be held during the month of September. Do you have an item to donate? Can you solicit something from a local business or friend? We are looking for hotel certificates, restaurant gift certificates, spa services, handmade items, gift baskets, theme park tickets…you name it! Please contact Andrea at pcosa.auction@gmail.com for more information about donating an item or items.
This poem I decided to design,
Begins on September 11th, 1999.
One beautiful day in September,
You made it a day I would always remember.
Sitting at a picnic table,
The things you said made me tremble.
You said you loved me,
my friends and family.
You held my hand,
and offered me a wedding band.
I felt like a princess,
when I said yes.
One year later,
It got a whole lot better.
Being your bride,
made my heart fill with pride.
These last eight,
have been great.
I love you Danny!
So I have to admit I HATE BABY SHOWERS!!! Both of my sister-in-laws are expecting ready to pop any day. This is Amber's 3rd baby, Autumn's 2nd, just so I can clarify Amber's other 2 kids are 2 and 1, Autumn's son is 2. For all three of Amber's babies she's had a baby shower and for both of Autumn's she has too. I wasn't able to make it to either of their baby shower this time around. Can I just pause here and say I don't think it's right to have a baby shower for everyone of your kids unless it's like 5 or 10 years in between and when they are back to back like that no matter if it's a different sex or not it's just wrong in my eyes and I've always been raised like that. So I bought each of them a gift blah blah blah but then I get home today and there is a freaking invitation to another fucking baby shower for another family member that has 2 kids already WHAT THE FUCK???? And then I turn on the tv and they are talking about baby showers then my friend who's not married mind you tells me she is so depressed because she doesn't have a husband and she really wants a baby and I'm like please just stop just stop just stop just fucking stop!!!!
When is it going to be my turn? When am I going to be able to have a baby shower, be big fat and pregnant not just big fat lol. I just am so sick of this having to buy these cute little baby gifts for other people? People don't understand how hard it is for me and they don't seem to care either it's all about them them them and to be honest with you I'm over it!
So I am officially a bow hunter lol. What I'm hunting right now is the target in our back yard lol... eventually it will be deer season and I will be going hunting with Danny!!! The first time I shot my bow I hurt my arm so freaking bad it wasn't even funny. I had this big bruise and whelp show up on my arm but I learned a new trick to get rid of bruises faster than normal to put an ice pack on them, it helps to stop the bleeding below the surface and heals it a lot faster. I'm not saying it was a miracle cure by any means but my bruise is gone and it was so big that it should have taken at least 2 weeks for it to fully go away lol, however I still have a spot on my arm that is still swollen! Danny told me the other day that he is getting more and more excited to take me hunting, that made me feel really good. I'm taking my hunter safety course in the next week or so and I'm getting excited about that, never done anything like that before, so it will be interesting.
Ok so this was like almost 2 months ago that I wrote the paragraph above and saved it as a draft lol. I took my hunter safety course and passed with a 95 out of 100!!! So proud of myself I think that's the best test score I've ever made on anything lol. I also went with Danny hunting my first official time in the woods. Needless to say I didn't see anything, I feel asleep in the tree stand a couple of times though, but Danny was right there with me to wake me up just in case lol! I actually had a lot of fun, even though I got cold and had to poop in the woods... I don't like to poop anywhere but home lmao!!! So I'm officially a deer hunter! And I will be going back in the woods as soon as possible!
I never thought that shooting a bow would be that much fun but it really is. I had to learn to hold the bow away from me, for men shooting is so easy because they don't have boobs getting in their way, so everytime I pulled my bow back it was causing the string to bend against my boob and made each shot go in a different spot. I learned that I can easily hold it away from my body just as well and hit the spot I'm aiming for every time!
So I've decided to take my exercise to the next level lol... On September 20, 2008 I will be running/jogging/walking lol in a 5k run in Gladeville... it's for the Gladefest 5k run "run through the glade", proceeds go to Wilson Central High School Navy Junior ROTC. My husband Danny, my brother Joey, my sister Angela, maybe my mom Margie and me are all going to be running it it!!! Danny and Joey run twice a week so I know for them it will be nothing to run the whole time, but me, my sister and my mom are just starting!!! I've started by walking fast then going into a jog the last couple of days so I have 4 weeks from this coming up Saturday to train myself to run lol. I am not expecting to run the whole thing but half would be awesome lol. I will just be happy if I can go across the finish line. I think it will be awesome to do this and can't wait.
So I have to admit I have a baby baby baby Obsession obession obsession lol that was me echoing lol. For the last week or so I've found myself talking about babies all the time, about baby names, thinking of painting my extra bedrooms colors for nursery's, talking about when I have a baby this or when I get pregnant that, and I've come to the conclusion that it's an OBSESSION!!! So last night I was laying in the bed with the lights off and we were ready to go to sleep when I just said to Danny "do you ever think about us having kids?" he responded "yes", I asked "Do you think about it daily?" he said "pretty much yes", So then I said "I can't help but think about it daily and it's driving me nuts I feel like I have to do more to push us to have a baby I just can't sit by and do nothing anymore" so we talked for a while longer and decided we are going to do some more fertility treatments but we are going to start with at home treatments such as I am getting ovulation kits to see if and when I'm ovulating, and we have several at home IUI kits that we are finally going to try, and all the while we are still going to be working out and trying to loose weight but I need a baby I have to have a baby there is no if's and's or but's about it I HAVE TO or I'm going to go insane one day lol. Then we started talking about that stupid pregnancy test commerical that it's talking about this new invention that's the most inevative piece of equipment that you'll ever pee on and we started laughing because it's so stupid. I'm glad we started laughing though because I was already crying and I didn't really want to cry myself to sleep last night.
I know I'm not the only woman out there to have Baby Obsession but I think it's also great to know that I'm not the only one in my house either lol. Danny is just as obsessed as me I think, he may not show it as openly as me but he is lol. We talk all the time about the names of our children and we have for the most party stayed with the same names for the past several years. For our son we of course have always said we would name him Danny Lee Hubble, III and either call him Lee, Trey or Trace. For our daughter just a few years ago my sister came up with the name idea Amily like Emily but with an A and so her name will be Amily Elizabeth Hubble. As far as if we have more than one girl or boy we haven't really picked names but I gave Danny the ok that he could name the boys and I get the girls lol. I'm thinking I also like the name Annsley Marie Hubble, I love girls names that start with A's I guess because me, my sister, and both of Danny's sisters names all start with A's Amy, Angela, Amber and Autumn. I feel like my baby girls should also start with A's lol. Right after we came up with Amily we went on a vacation to St. Thomas and when we got off the plane and drove out of the airport there was this huge sign that said "Welcome to Charlotte Amilie" I was like OMG that's our babies name lol. Over the last week I've been obsessed with baby names and have even looked online at names over and over again, I would love for my boys names to start with D's since Danny starts with a D I just think it would be a cute way to name our kids and have our family like that.
Here I go again just fueling my obsession but I am so ready to be a mommy more ready than I have been in a long time, or ever for that matter my biological clock is ticking and I can't get it to shut the fuck up so I'm going to do everything I can to make it happen, and if trying from home the next couple of months doesn't happen then I am bound damned and determined that we will go back to the fertility clinic because I am going to be a mommy damnit!!!!
So I thought why not do this blog and put in everything that's happened in my infertility journey, I've written about feelings and things going on but I've never really written what happened when and how I felt about it so why not do that now.
Danny and I met in the fall of 1997 thru his ex girlfriend Angela, I was working at Kroger's in the bakery with her and they were still friends, she wanted to get back together with him so bad, and she asked me to e-mail him and start talking to him to see if he wanted the same thing, well needless to say Danny and I hit it off right from the start we laughed on the phone shared similar intrests and yet we both were dating other people so there was no pressure, he informed me that he didn't want to get back together with Angela so I never pushed the subject. One night while she and I were out she decided to page him(yes that was back when pagers were the coolest things ever) and put in my cell phone number only she put in the wrong number, and he knew who to call back, he informed us that he was at home and we should swing by, just to let you know I had talked to him on the phone and computer for about a month by this point and had never seen him in person until now!!! We pulled up at his house, I was a nervous wreck and I wasn't even sure why, I mean it wasn't like I was looking for a boyfriend but, he was so freaking cute, I think I knew at that moment that I wanted to be with him, but it wasn't time yet! So we continue to talk and on January 1st 1998 I got in trouble with Brittany because we stayed somewhere we weren't suppose to lol, needless to say I was pretty upset, because my parents grounded me and took my car away from me for a week or so, but who just so happened to call that morning but Danny, and low and behold his girlfriend had broken up with him that day, and instead of having his own pity party he's goal was to make me smile, I loved it. As that time went slowly by Danny and I got closer, and after I was ungrounded we started hanging out a lot, I fell in love with him. I still remember so much about things that happened back then but I'm not going to bore you with them now lol.
On September 11, 1999 Danny proposed to me and on September 16, 2000 we got married. I would have had babies right then but Danny said that he wanted to either be married for one full year or buy our first house before we "seriously" started trying, by that I mean we never really did anything to protect ourselves from it happening we just didn't say "hey we're trying to have a baby lol". On September 1, 2001 we bought and moved into our first house, and on September 16, 2001 we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary. Let the baby making begin lol or so I thought that's what was going to happen, but it didn't really happen like I thought it was going to.
So on August 26, 2002 after almost trying for a year on our own I decided it was time to meet with my OBGYN Dr. Lanning for a consultation to as him so questions as see if there was anything he suggested us do. He informed me that since we had tried for a full year that it was time to try some tests. So on August 28, 2002 we had our first test it was a Post cotical test, in which you have intercourse and within 30 min are in the doctors office and they take a sample out of your vagina (ugh this is so gross to even think about lol) and test it, the results were "not many sperm and the sperm that were present were dead." This didn't faze me I just thought well maybe it's been too long and they just died but in the back of my mind I was scared. So the next test was September 6, 2002 it was an Endometrial biopsy, where they take a piece of your uterine lining and test to see if you are ovulating, and the same time Danny also gave a sperm sample. The results for my test were "I was not ovulating", not a good thing, and Danny's results were "low/normal range for motility and count" the doctor said that was ok and nothing to worry about there. So he suggest I start taking Clomid a fertility drug that should trick my body into thinking everything is working properly and make me start ovulating.
I started my first round of Clomid 50 mg on September 20, 2002, and when I did not have my period in October he had me take Medroxyprogesterone to make me have one, and then in November upped my dosage of Clomid from 50 mg to 100 mg. I took Clomid November, December, January and we were to try on our own during these months, every month was the same thing over and over again, I got my hopes sky high only to have them come crashing down with the first sign of my period. On January 27, 2003 I went in for a Hysterosalopinogram or HSG dye test were they run dye thru your fallopian tubes and have you x-rayed to make sure there are no blockages, results "normal!" So Dr. Lanning decided it was time to do yet another Endometrial biopsy on February 11, 2003 results this time " I was ovulating!!!!" this was a wonderful thing to hear and I just knew that meant I was going to get pregnant as soon as possible. I then had another post cotical test done on February 28, 2003 and the results were "same as last time I was killing Danny's sperm" so he told me he was going to be sending us to a fertility doctor because that's where his testing stopped since he basically delivers babies. He sent us into one of his nurses office so she could set us up an appointment and the words came out of her mouth "Nashville Fertility Center" his me like a ton of bricks. I still remember to this day sitting in that chair with Danny standing beside me and looking up at him after she said that and a tear just rolled down my face, I never knew that 3 little words could burn that much.
So on March 12, 2003 we had our first consultation with Dr. Hill at Nashville Fertility Center, he told us that he was going to do some blood work on me, that I need to try and loose weight, Danny needed to stop smoking and that we were going to try an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), for those of you that don't know an IUI is exactly the same thing as artificial insemination however in AI you use a donor sperm and in an IUI you use your spouses sperm. IUI is the process where sperm are washed free of seminal plasma and are inserted directly into the uterus. I didn't have a period the month of March so he put me on Medroxyprogesterone yet again to get my body working lol, went into fertility clinic April 9, 2003 and had blood work done, results were normal. April 21, 2003 had an ultrasound done to see if I had any follicles(Ovarian follicle is the basic unit of female reproductive biology and is composed of a roughly spherical aggregations of cells found in the ovary. They contain a single oocyte (aka ovum or egg). These structures are periodically initiated to grow and develop, culminating in ovulation of usually a single competent oocyte.) results I had one follicle on my right ovary i was 16 mm they usually like for them to be around 18 mm or biger so I was to let it grow for the rest of the day, on April 22, 2003 Danny had to give me a shot of HCG hormone into my hip to help the follicle to burst and produce the egg. On April 23, 2003 at 11:30AM Danny and I went to the fertility clinic for our very first IUI, he gave his sample and we left for about an hour then came back and they preformed the IUI on me. It went really well, the nurse let Danny watch since this was our first and he jokingly said "well I'm glad I was here for conception lol."
I knew in my heart that we were pregnant without a doubt in my mind I knew I had a little baby growing in my belly, so I took a pregnancy test on May 5, 2003 just as the nurse had told me and the results were negative. My heart hurt so bad that day all I wanted to do is cry, I remember just sitting there thinking to myself why can't I be pregnant when is it going to be my turn? My heart hurts now thinking back to that moment and knowing how much I hurt and how badly I wanted to have a baby (and still how badly I want it).
So when I started my period just a few days later I called Dr. Hill's office and asked what the next step was, again another round of Clomid and another IUI was in our sights. This time I had the ultrasound done on May 22, 2003 found right side with one 14x12 mm and left side had two 22x21 mm and 20x18 mm I felt so much better about my odds, they gave me the shot then. The very next day Danny and I went in he gave his sample around 1 pm and we came back at 2:30 for the IUI, this time the nurse let Danny shoot the sperm in, he thought that was really cool. June 6, 2003 took the pregnancy test, results were negative again, my heart shattered, even though I knew not to get my hopes up it was really hard not to.
So at that moment Danny told me he didn't want to try another one that he could handle watching me go through that pain and torture. So we decided to take a break from the doctor and the fertility drugs. I had been taking them for almost a full year at this point!
What I thought was only going to be a few months ended up being a little over a year, during that time December 2003 we lost my grandfather, May 2004 we lost Danny's grandfather and June 2004 we lost my grandmother, that was really hard on both of us, but I honestly believe that going through the infertility and the heart ache from it really prepared us for the heart ache of loosing our loved ones, it taught us that we can lean on each other and how to support each other, and I'm thankful for that.
January 13 2005 we went for another consultation with Dr. Hill because it had been so long, he informed me that day that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) A common disorder in women in which the ovaries produce an excess amount of male hormones (androgens). Symptoms of PCOS include irregular or no periods, acne, obesity and excess hair growth. This disorder often prevents ovulation, leading to infertility. He also told us that he wanted Danny to do a SPA (Sperm Penetration Assay) The sperm penetration assay (also called the hamster zona-free ovum test or hamster test) checks whether a man's sperm can join with an egg. Sperm are mixed with hamster eggs in a laboratory. The number of sperm that penetrate the egg (sperm capacitation index) is measured. Because Danny sperm count and motility were always in the low/normal range when we did our IUI's. He also did blood work on me that day and found that I actually ovulated on my own!!! That was a BIG plus, also found out that my insulin was high due to the PCOS and started me on metformin to lower my insulin.
February 9, 2005 Danny had the SPA done, results were the SPA could not be performed due to 4 % progressive motility after overnight incubation, which means Danny's sperm didn't survive overnight. He referred us to a Urologist. March 4, 2005 Danny had his first appointment with Dr. Dutton, Results: He didn’t feel the sperm motility was that bad and suggested that he have a ultrasound done to check for any blockages and also told him to stop taking hot baths for one month and come back to see if that has made any change. Danny had his ultrasound done later that day. Results: No blockages but they did fine 2 small cysts but did not believe they had anything to do with his sperm. He went back on April 5, 2005 and found out that his sperm count and motility had tripled!!! So not taking baths was the key!
March 16, 2005 I had blood test done again to check how I was doing on this medicine Results: My insulin was still too high.Referred to Endocrinologist Dr. Andrea Hayes. Dr. Hayes upped my dosage and tried to put me on a liquid diet, needless to say that doesn't work for me lol.
It is now August 8, 2008 and we are still not pregnant, still don't have any babies. I feel the need to do something so I recently spoke to my family doctor and she put me back on metformin to lower my insulin and we've been going to the gym since April trying to loose weight to have a baby. My heart still hurts sometimes when I think about not being a mother and there are days when I still cry about it, and there are still times when I hate pregnant women but there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about everything we've been through and how thankful I am to have a husband like Danny to go through this hell with. I've been thinking about going back to the fertility clinic but as of right now I've decided I have to loose weight first. I know this is a lot to read and a lot to digest but I always feel the need to express myself and I feel like this is one of the best ways to do so. I feel as though if there is ever a moment that what I write helps just one couple then it would all be worth it. Or maybe I just feel that getting it out of my head and down on paper will help me out of this craziness lol.
Just one more final thought... I had planned from when I was a child that I would have all of my children by the time I was 26 years old... well I'm 28 now and I once heard a saying that sticks to me like glue "If you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans." So now I don't have a year that I want to have my kids by I just simply want to have kids. Lots of love.
So I've been thinking of getting a tattoo I am thinking of getting the infertility ribbon which is pink and blue with the ends shredded to show all the heartache I've been thru over these last million of years lol, and I've thought about putting it up on the back of my neck but then I thought why put it there that's not where my problems are lol... So I'm now thinking of putting it right where the top of my panties are where my ovaries are lol they are after all the reason I haven't gotten pregnant yet... I'm also thinking of getting angel wings attached to the ribbon but not sure how well that really plays into it I just think they are pretty lol. Either place I decided is going to be somewhere not many people will see and I'll know it's there I just think if I put it on my ovary I might actually be able to see it one day when my belly isn't so fat lmao... but on the back of my neck I don't have eyes back there lol. I don't know just a thought... any who that's all for now... check ya later
So on the 10th I posted a challenge I was pushing myself towards to loose 10 lbs by Aug 27th ish lol... So last week was my first official week to challenge myself I think I did awesome... Sunday July 13th I did Zumba for an hour at the gym, Monday July 14th I did one hour of cardio kickboxing at the gym, Tuesday July 15th I did another hour of Zumba at the gym, Wednesday July 16th I took a day off, Thursday July 17th we met with our trainer for 30 minutes of upper body training then we did 30 min of cardio on the tredmill, and on Friday July 18th I did another hour of Zumba at the gym... so for 5 out of 7 days I did an hour workout plus I've been taking my meds on a regular basis because I finally got the bright idea to set a reminder on my cell phone that goes off at 12:30 everyday and I am usually eating lunch at that time so it works out great for me. So this first week I've already lost 3 lbs woo hoo go me!!!! I am so excited and ready for more to fall off, I haven't even eaten right this week lol, I am thinking that once I eat more healthy and less like a pig I will see a lot more results so I'm excited about that too, I have the right foods at home it's just the bad foods are way too yummy. But if you workout that much then even if you eat bad you still shouldn't gain or that's what I'm thinking, you're basically burning most of the calories you take in thru out the day. I missed Zumba last night because we had a family reunion we had to go to but I'm going to Kickboxing tonight and loving every minute of it lol.
I just wanted to go ahead and make a quick update that I've lost 3 lbs already and I know I have a long way to go in my long term goal but if I keep hitting my small goals then it will be no time and I'll be at my long term goal... I am just going to keep setting 10 lbs markers and space them out in a months time so that I know I will be able to loose up to that point, and make it to that 10 lb marker... it's gotta work right I mean I'm pushing myself harder than ever and I am excited about working out and I'm loving moving my body and I love the classes so much more than walking on the tredmill it makes me feel full of life to dance in the zumba classes I just love it!!!! So until next time... peace!
The other day my mom was fixing her website (www.JoeandMargie.com) and was reading our infertility timeline I never really thought holy cow we've been doing this for so long but she informed me that the first time I went to the infertility doctor was over 6 years ago!!! That to me is absolutely insane! Where did 6 years go? What has gone on in those 6 years? Well I'm here to tell you A LOT!!!! 6 years ago I only had 3 nephews Tyler, Austin and Ethan... Tyler was 10, Austin was 8 and Ethan was 4, now I have Tyler who is 16, Austin who is 14, Ethan who just turned 10, Michael 5, Haley, 4, Keaton will be 3 Sunday, Jeffrey 2, Adrian 2, Romale will be one on the 16th and am going to have 2 new nieces in September... So in 6 years I've added 1 niece and 5 nephews!!!!! That's one new kid every year lol.
In January Danny and I had been together for 10 years, my nephew Ethan just turned 10 I looked at Danny the other day and said "Holy cow we could have a 10 year old!!!!" Where does time go? If it takes me 6 more years to have a baby I will be 34, that's 8 years older than my original plan to have all my kids by 26... I'm 28 now! Within these 6 years we've also lost half of our grandparents... but that all happened within 6 months of each other... we lost my PawPaw in Dec 2002, his Grandaddy in May 2003, and my Nana in June 2003! Worst 6 months ever!
In 6 years we've moved from one house to another, we've had his sisters move in and out of our house, my brother got remarried, we've even joined 4 different Gyms. All together it's been over 72 months, thats over 312 weeks. And I can't even tell you how many thoughts, or tears I've gone thru...
It's amazing how time flies I just don't want it to fly by to fast, or as fast as it already has. Thinking of how long ago it was is mind blowing and makes me feel like what the hell have I been doing for 6 years why haven't I tried every which way to loose this weight to help me achieve having a baby? I'm not sure what the answer is but I know that I'm not stopping and I'm never going to give up on having a baby of my own and I'm going to continue to push myself in the gym and push myself to eat better, I am ready to be a mom but I'm also ready to be healthy. To make things a little more interesting I went for my first fertility appointment to my OB on 8/26/02 so in a little over a month from today it will be 7 years... I am going to set a goal to loose at least 10 lbs between today and 8/26/08. So if any of you would like to join me in a challenge similar to this weather you need to loose just 5 or 50 lbs total I'm up for the challenge are you?
Six years have flown by and I'm not going to let one more go by too fast or let one more go by with me being overweight so here we go... I've already lost 10 lbs since we joined Urban Active and I'm ready to loose more... lol this blog started out with just thinking of how much has happened or not happened in 6 years and has turned into a challenge for me and anyone else that wants to join me lol. I'M A DORK LOL!!!!
The true meaning of this blog is to tell everyone not to stress over small problems because in 6 years from now you won't even remember they existed... hug your loved ones because in an instant they could be gone... kiss your kids and hold them tight because there are people like me who wish every single day to have a child of our own... have fun, live life.... 6 years ago I wasn't the same person I am today and had no idea what the future held for me, I may still never know what the future holds for me but I do know I'm in control of my present and if I can make each day a little bit better than my future has to be great, I've enjoyed being an Aunt and I think I'm a damn good one too but I am and have been ready to be a mom.
I'm not saying loosing the weight is going to be easy, because I know it's going to be hard as hell and a struggle within myself but I'm willing to work at it... So bye bye 10 lbs hello tredmill LMAO!!! If you want to join me in my personal challenge e-mail me.
So this weekend a group of us friends went canoeing down the Buffalo river in TN, it was a blast and I will be writing about that shortly... however, in one truck that went up earlier it was Danny, Andy, Jerry and two kids Dalton and Zachary. In the second truck that headed up a little later was Me, Kristy and Jamie. Now for those of you that don't know these people Kristy and Andy are married they have two children Zachary (8) and Kailyn (2), and Jamie and Jerry are married with two kids Dalton (7) and Chase (2) and you all know that Danny and I don't have any children, so now that we've got that straight here comes the blog lol....
While in the car Jamie and Kristy started talking about when they were pregnant with their babies and things that happened and this and that, this was an hour of baby talk and pregnancy talk, I felt so left out of the conversation that I just found myself looking out the window trying to hold back the tears and the expressions of would y'all shut the fuck up lol. I know that sounds just plain awlful but it's the truth I feel left out and I feel like why can't I be in on their conversation, I mean all three couples have been married right around the same length of time and yet these two couples have been able to have two beautiful children, and I'm like WHY NOT ME!!!!
So I told Danny this the other day in which in informed me that he felt the same way at times during our trip, made me sad all over again because for me I can get over the feelings I'm having or push them away but to hear that it effected Danny too makes me just want to cry and it makes it harder on me, not that I don't want to know because I do I want to know that he feels the same way I do and it's great that I'm not the only one in this relationship that's feeling this way but it crushes me that I can't make him a Daddy.
You know there are always those people that don't understand it and say stupid things and really mean it in a good way and it always makes you look at them and think what the hell are you smoking lol, well I have those moments all the time with people they will either say stuff like O you're going to be a great mom, or you've got plenty of time, or ahh you don't want kids right now anyways, or you can borrow mine, they'll make you not want any of your own, I've also heard I wish we were like y'all and have waited so that we could have fun before we had kids. I'm like do you really think I decided to not have kids on my own? HELL NO I didn't it just happened and it wasn't something that I could do to change it, my body is just a bitch lol.
Here is what I wish I could say to those responses...
O you're going to be a great mom... how the hell do you know? I might drop my kid on it's head everyday lol, but thanks for having such high hopes for my future, lol that sounds so bad coming out but it's the truth they have no clue how great I'm going to be.
You've got plenty of time... Well really do I now? I've been trying to have a baby for the past 7 years with no luck yet and I'm only getting older so yep your right dumbass I have plenty of time.
You don't want kids right now anyways, or you can have mine they will make you not want any... first of all if I didn't want kids right now I wouldn't be trying and second I don't want you're little brats I want my own brats I already know my kids aren't going to be perfect but they will be mine.
And my most fave of all... God knows what he's doing and there is a reason he didn't give y'all a child yet... Ok so when did God start telling you his plans? Because the last time I talked to him he never talked back! Not that I don't believe there is some greater plan out there but I just don't understand why God who see's and knows all would give a child to some skank ass hoe that is either going to cut it's throat right after it's born and hide it in the trunk of her car because no one knew she was pregnant and she didn't want her boyfriend to leave her (and yes that is a true story of a skank ass hoe I went to high school with) or these stupid fuckers that beat their kids, or leave them in the car during 100 degree weather why on earth would God give a child to these people before giving a child to someone that's going to love and care for them? Why would he make me go thru hell before seeing heaven? Why would he make other women like me suffer this way? Why I don't know why I can tell you one thing about infertility that I do love is unlike most couples that go thru the ups and downs of infertility it has actually made my marriage stronger, so that is a plus but if I could change it I would so much rather have made our marriage stronger some other way.
One more thing before I end this wildly crazy just off the wall blog is that I am craving a baby of my own so bad that I know I will be a great mom because I've been planning and learning from all of my friends and family and I will have the knowledge and the love and the patience to have a child because I've had the knowledge the love and the patience in getting one so I can't wait to hold my little baby in my arms kiss it's little nose and love it forever. I am waiting on you Danny Lee III and Amily Elizabeth we are ready to be your parents and love you forever.
For those of you who are like me TTC takes on a life of it's own, it consumes you, it eats at your soul, your mind, your heart, it weighs heavy on your shoulders and it's a very heavy burden to carry if I do say so myself. But if you're like me life soon takes over and you find yourself almost 30 and still no child... I can't tell you how regretful I am that I didn't stick to TTC and going through with doctors visits but the truth is I've enjoyed my time and I am still wanting a baby more than anything in this world and that's why I've been working out now at a grand total of 10 lbs lost I am feeling better about myself. I am starting back on my Metformin TODAY so we will see if that kicks in my weight loss any because it will lower my insulin. I have a feeling that's why I've only lost 10 lbs in 2 months I know what I've been doing would make most people loose a lot of weight but little ole me only lost 10 not that I'm complaining because 10 lbs is a lot of freaking weight heck that's how much big fat babies weigh when they are born lol. So to shed that kind of weight is amazing! The only thing I don't like about Metformin is the way it messes with my bowels and stomach, it makes me have to go to the bathroom A LOT lol. But that's what I need something to regulate me. I need to get my insulin levels down I need to do this because I think it's my only option at actually loosing the weight in a decent amount of time. Now when I speak of time frame I'm not saying I want to loose 100 lbs by Christmas but I want to loose 100 lbs by this time next year I want to be able to wear the bikini I bought last year in Gulf Shores, AL and swore I would be wearing this year, well you can see I am not wearing it now lol. But I will be wearing it next year. I feel like I'm rambling and I probably am but hey this is my blog and you don't have to ramble with me if you don't want to lol. So for those of you (lol I don't think anyone reads this but I can pretend lol) I am going to set a weekly goal of 2 lbs per week and if you'd like to join me in this journey I would love to have buddies. Anywho I'm done rambling, I have to get to work.
Well another Mother's Day is tomorrow this makes the 7th one that I've had to endure since trying to conceive. All I want is a family like everyone else I see and I just don't understand why it hasn't happened for me yet. It's like I was totally fine earlier and then we go to dinner and driving you see all these stupid signs that say "Happy Mother's Day" and I'm like UGH!!!! It's one of the hardest days to endure. I don't even know why, it's just a made up holiday but I would give anything to hold in my hands what so many have, as my song says. I would give anything to bring my dream to life, and it really sucks that I'm sitting here wanting this when so many people out there give up there babies and no I'm not talking about adoption I'm talking about abortion... those women that give thier children up for adoption are some of the strongest women in the world, I have no clue how in the world you could do that. The women that piss me off are the ones that have abortions because they are too stupid to understand that you opened your legs and you got pregnant, you had the pleasure that led to that life, and yes even just a few weeks or days there is a life in your belly I don't care what anyone says. Why in the world would you be able to have a child when there are couples out there like Danny and I that can not have their own child? That seems so unfair to me. I'm not the only woman suffering this mother's day there are lots more women out there that are childless and my heart goes out to you all. I do have to say Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there, just please hug your children a little tighter and know how lucky you are to have beautiful children, because there are women like me that would give anything to be in your shoes.
On a happier note this mother's day I am doing something so much more than any other year to get me closer to my goal, I'm working out 5 days a week twice a week with our awesome trainer at the gym, and I'm loving it, I am getting my body in better shape to become a mommy. I'm so very thankful for Danny he's been awesome in helping me stick to my goals this time around and I can't wait until I am able to make him a Daddy and one year (hopefully sooner rather than later) we will be able to celebrate mother's and father's day.
So lately I've made a few... life changes that is... I've started taking better care of my self. It all started a few months back when I decided to change my oral health, I've always had bad teeth from when I was a child, I even had silver caps put on every single one of my teeth including my front teeth!! I've always hated the dentist and have always had cavities every single time I go. So a couple months back I was getting ready to go in for a routine cleaning and I decided that I wanted them to tell me that my teeth looked great so I started with not only brushing in the morning but at night, and using a tounge scraper, and mouth wash, and my least fave thing flossing!!! It worked she said my teeth actually looked good, yay go me I know something so small and stupid as that but it makes me feel better, and now I'm in a habit and I am use to doing it now.
So after that I knew there where more changes to come, next was my face, I've always had dry patches on my face and was quite sick of it, so I started washing my face more instead of just every once in a while like I had been doing and I really want to prevent wrinkles!!! So I started washing my face just once a day no matter if it was in the morning or at night, and I also started washing it while I was in the shower which actually made it easier!!! So now I'm in that habit, and eventually I will add in doing it twice a day, who knows next I could be wearing make-up every single day lol.
But the biggest life change I've made is with my overall health, I've decided I'm done being fat. I'm tired of being out of breathe, and I'm tired of not being able to feel as beautiful as I know I am. So Danny joined a gym, on a Tuesday he didn't sign me up with him it was just him alone, then it took him a whole week before he even went in, on the next Monday I said "so are we going to go check out your gym?" he had several two day passes so I could check it out with him. So we went Tuesday morning, it was awesome I feel in love with this gym, the cardio area had a movie theater in it so you never got bored. I loved it. So the next morning we went again, and that afternoon I signed up at the gym. They told me about this personal trainer program that helps boost you when you first sign up so I thought what the heck me and Danny can go listen to the sales pitch, well he had us do a 15 min work-out with him, OMG he killed us that first 15 min, I couldn't walk for 3 days lol. So we've been going twice a week and he put us on an eating plan, and I'm loving it. I lost 2 lbs the first week, and he's expecting me to loose 10 lbs in one month, I can see myself sticking with this, he pushes us and keeps us motivated so I am very excited. I will keep updating to just share what I've been doing in weeks to come, so that's my biggest and most important life change!
