Here we go...

So I thought why not do this blog and put in everything that's happened in my infertility journey, I've written about feelings and things going on but I've never really written what happened when and how I felt about it so why not do that now.





Danny and I met in the fall of 1997 thru his ex girlfriend Angela, I was working at Kroger's in the bakery with her and they were still friends, she wanted to get back together with him so bad, and she asked me to e-mail him and start talking to him to see if he wanted the same thing, well needless to say Danny and I hit it off right from the start we laughed on the phone shared similar intrests and yet we both were dating other people so there was no pressure, he informed me that he didn't want to get back together with Angela so I never pushed the subject. One night while she and I were out she decided to page him(yes that was back when pagers were the coolest things ever) and put in my cell phone number only she put in the wrong number, and he knew who to call back, he informed us that he was at home and we should swing by, just to let you know I had talked to him on the phone and computer for about a month by this point and had never seen him in person until now!!! We pulled up at his house, I was a nervous wreck and I wasn't even sure why, I mean it wasn't like I was looking for a boyfriend but, he was so freaking cute, I think I knew at that moment that I wanted to be with him, but it wasn't time yet! So we continue to talk and on January 1st 1998 I got in trouble with Brittany because we stayed somewhere we weren't suppose to lol, needless to say I was pretty upset, because my parents grounded me and took my car away from me for a week or so, but who just so happened to call that morning but Danny, and low and behold his girlfriend had broken up with him that day, and instead of having his own pity party he's goal was to make me smile, I loved it. As that time went slowly by Danny and I got closer, and after I was ungrounded we started hanging out a lot, I fell in love with him. I still remember so much about things that happened back then but I'm not going to bore you with them now lol.



On September 11, 1999 Danny proposed to me and on September 16, 2000 we got married. I would have had babies right then but Danny said that he wanted to either be married for one full year or buy our first house before we "seriously" started trying, by that I mean we never really did anything to protect ourselves from it happening we just didn't say "hey we're trying to have a baby lol". On September 1, 2001 we bought and moved into our first house, and on September 16, 2001 we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary. Let the baby making begin lol or so I thought that's what was going to happen, but it didn't really happen like I thought it was going to.



So on August 26, 2002 after almost trying for a year on our own I decided it was time to meet with my OBGYN Dr. Lanning for a consultation to as him so questions as see if there was anything he suggested us do. He informed me that since we had tried for a full year that it was time to try some tests. So on August 28, 2002 we had our first test it was a Post cotical test, in which you have intercourse and within 30 min are in the doctors office and they take a sample out of your vagina (ugh this is so gross to even think about lol) and test it, the results were "not many sperm and the sperm that were present were dead." This didn't faze me I just thought well maybe it's been too long and they just died but in the back of my mind I was scared. So the next test was September 6, 2002 it was an Endometrial biopsy, where they take a piece of your uterine lining and test to see if you are ovulating, and the same time Danny also gave a sperm sample. The results for my test were "I was not ovulating", not a good thing, and Danny's results were "low/normal range for motility and count" the doctor said that was ok and nothing to worry about there. So he suggest I start taking Clomid a fertility drug that should trick my body into thinking everything is working properly and make me start ovulating.



I started my first round of Clomid 50 mg on September 20, 2002, and when I did not have my period in October he had me take Medroxyprogesterone to make me have one, and then in November upped my dosage of Clomid from 50 mg to 100 mg. I took Clomid November, December, January and we were to try on our own during these months, every month was the same thing over and over again, I got my hopes sky high only to have them come crashing down with the first sign of my period. On January 27, 2003 I went in for a Hysterosalopinogram or HSG dye test were they run dye thru your fallopian tubes and have you x-rayed to make sure there are no blockages, results "normal!" So Dr. Lanning decided it was time to do yet another Endometrial biopsy on February 11, 2003 results this time " I was ovulating!!!!" this was a wonderful thing to hear and I just knew that meant I was going to get pregnant as soon as possible. I then had another post cotical test done on February 28, 2003 and the results were "same as last time I was killing Danny's sperm" so he told me he was going to be sending us to a fertility doctor because that's where his testing stopped since he basically delivers babies. He sent us into one of his nurses office so she could set us up an appointment and the words came out of her mouth "Nashville Fertility Center" his me like a ton of bricks. I still remember to this day sitting in that chair with Danny standing beside me and looking up at him after she said that and a tear just rolled down my face, I never knew that 3 little words could burn that much.



So on March 12, 2003 we had our first consultation with Dr. Hill at Nashville Fertility Center, he told us that he was going to do some blood work on me, that I need to try and loose weight, Danny needed to stop smoking and that we were going to try an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), for those of you that don't know an IUI is exactly the same thing as artificial insemination however in AI you use a donor sperm and in an IUI you use your spouses sperm. IUI is the process where sperm are washed free of seminal plasma and are inserted directly into the uterus. I didn't have a period the month of March so he put me on Medroxyprogesterone yet again to get my body working lol, went into fertility clinic April 9, 2003 and had blood work done, results were normal. April 21, 2003 had an ultrasound done to see if I had any follicles(Ovarian follicle is the basic unit of female reproductive biology and is composed of a roughly spherical aggregations of cells found in the ovary. They contain a single oocyte (aka ovum or egg). These structures are periodically initiated to grow and develop, culminating in ovulation of usually a single competent oocyte.) results I had one follicle on my right ovary i was 16 mm they usually like for them to be around 18 mm or biger so I was to let it grow for the rest of the day, on April 22, 2003 Danny had to give me a shot of HCG hormone into my hip to help the follicle to burst and produce the egg. On April 23, 2003 at 11:30AM Danny and I went to the fertility clinic for our very first IUI, he gave his sample and we left for about an hour then came back and they preformed the IUI on me. It went really well, the nurse let Danny watch since this was our first and he jokingly said "well I'm glad I was here for conception lol."

I knew in my heart that we were pregnant without a doubt in my mind I knew I had a little baby growing in my belly, so I took a pregnancy test on May 5, 2003 just as the nurse had told me and the results were negative. My heart hurt so bad that day all I wanted to do is cry, I remember just sitting there thinking to myself why can't I be pregnant when is it going to be my turn? My heart hurts now thinking back to that moment and knowing how much I hurt and how badly I wanted to have a baby (and still how badly I want it).

So when I started my period just a few days later I called Dr. Hill's office and asked what the next step was, again another round of Clomid and another IUI was in our sights. This time I had the ultrasound done on May 22, 2003 found right side with one 14x12 mm and left side had two 22x21 mm and 20x18 mm I felt so much better about my odds, they gave me the shot then. The very next day Danny and I went in he gave his sample around 1 pm and we came back at 2:30 for the IUI, this time the nurse let Danny shoot the sperm in, he thought that was really cool. June 6, 2003 took the pregnancy test, results were negative again, my heart shattered, even though I knew not to get my hopes up it was really hard not to.

So at that moment Danny told me he didn't want to try another one that he could handle watching me go through that pain and torture. So we decided to take a break from the doctor and the fertility drugs. I had been taking them for almost a full year at this point!

What I thought was only going to be a few months ended up being a little over a year, during that time December 2003 we lost my grandfather, May 2004 we lost Danny's grandfather and June 2004 we lost my grandmother, that was really hard on both of us, but I honestly believe that going through the infertility and the heart ache from it really prepared us for the heart ache of loosing our loved ones, it taught us that we can lean on each other and how to support each other, and I'm thankful for that.

January 13 2005 we went for another consultation with Dr. Hill because it had been so long, he informed me that day that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) A common disorder in women in which the ovaries produce an excess amount of male hormones (androgens). Symptoms of PCOS include irregular or no periods, acne, obesity and excess hair growth. This disorder often prevents ovulation, leading to infertility. He also told us that he wanted Danny to do a SPA (Sperm Penetration Assay) The sperm penetration assay (also called the hamster zona-free ovum test or hamster test) checks whether a man's sperm can join with an egg. Sperm are mixed with hamster eggs in a laboratory. The number of sperm that penetrate the egg (sperm capacitation index) is measured. Because Danny sperm count and motility were always in the low/normal range when we did our IUI's. He also did blood work on me that day and found that I actually ovulated on my own!!! That was a BIG plus, also found out that my insulin was high due to the PCOS and started me on metformin to lower my insulin.

February 9, 2005 Danny had the SPA done, results were the SPA could not be performed due to 4 % progressive motility after overnight incubation, which means Danny's sperm didn't survive overnight. He referred us to a Urologist. March 4, 2005 Danny had his first appointment with Dr. Dutton, Results: He didn’t feel the sperm motility was that bad and suggested that he have a ultrasound done to check for any blockages and also told him to stop taking hot baths for one month and come back to see if that has made any change. Danny had his ultrasound done later that day. Results: No blockages but they did fine 2 small cysts but did not believe they had anything to do with his sperm. He went back on April 5, 2005 and found out that his sperm count and motility had tripled!!! So not taking baths was the key!

March 16, 2005 I had blood test done again to check how I was doing on this medicine Results: My insulin was still too high.Referred to Endocrinologist Dr. Andrea Hayes. Dr. Hayes upped my dosage and tried to put me on a liquid diet, needless to say that doesn't work for me lol.

It is now August 8, 2008 and we are still not pregnant, still don't have any babies. I feel the need to do something so I recently spoke to my family doctor and she put me back on metformin to lower my insulin and we've been going to the gym since April trying to loose weight to have a baby. My heart still hurts sometimes when I think about not being a mother and there are days when I still cry about it, and there are still times when I hate pregnant women but there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about everything we've been through and how thankful I am to have a husband like Danny to go through this hell with. I've been thinking about going back to the fertility clinic but as of right now I've decided I have to loose weight first. I know this is a lot to read and a lot to digest but I always feel the need to express myself and I feel like this is one of the best ways to do so. I feel as though if there is ever a moment that what I write helps just one couple then it would all be worth it. Or maybe I just feel that getting it out of my head and down on paper will help me out of this craziness lol.

Just one more final thought... I had planned from when I was a child that I would have all of my children by the time I was 26 years old... well I'm 28 now and I once heard a saying that sticks to me like glue "If you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans." So now I don't have a year that I want to have my kids by I just simply want to have kids. Lots of love.