What it's like

I know unless your in my shoes you don't know what it feels like to be infertile, so I thought I would try and help everyone understand. When someone else around you gets great news for example they are pregnant, you automatically feel this weight on your chest, for those that aren't in my shoes may wonder why would someone else's good news make you feel bad? Well it's not so much that I feel bad it's like a weight of jealousy. They have just gotten something I've been trying for and wanting for years. It's childish really but that's the way it is. It's not that I'm not happy for these friends or family members because I am so very happy for them, it's just that I really want it for myself. On the other hand, I don't want anyone going through what we've had to go through so I'm relieved when a friend that's been trying for months on end finally becomes pregnant but at the same time I'm jealous because I wish it was that easy for me. I'm a freak of nature lol. So that's what it feels like when someone else announces their good fortune.



As far as the pain I feel, it's a daily thing I deal with. I see families all around me and I wish I had my own. I feel incomplete, broken, damaged, and jealous all at the same time. How can that be healthy? It isn't lol. The broken parts of me make me depressed I don't want to do anything or see anyone or for that matter talk to anyone either. I feel ashamed that I'm like this, I feel like an outsider in my group of friends that have children, especially when everyone is hanging out and their kids are there and I'm the only one without. No one notices the pain I have because I mask it with a smile, and if someone catches me looking a little sad and says what's wrong? I laugh and say nothing why would you think that? See there is a constant mask on my face. But the mask is beautiful, she is happy, and carefree has no kids, gets to go and come as she pleases, she loves her life, she is not me! The real me may be beautiful with no kids and she may get to go and come as she pleases but would give that up to be a mom, yes I love my life but it's missing so much! It's missing babies crying, it's missing first foot steps, it's missing the up all night baby, it's missing the falling in love with someone day after day after day and not knowing that my heart could hold so much love feeling, it's missing the little milestones in a babies life, it's missing watching my husband play with the baby, it's missing looking at that sweet precious baby and thanking God everyday that he gave me this gift.



As much as I love being able to go out with my friends I would be just as happy to say no sorry I don't have a baby sitter, or let me ask someone if they can watch the baby. See the simple things that everyone takes for granted I'm missing them.