I know unless your in my shoes you don't know what it feels like to be infertile, so I thought I would try and help everyone understand. When someone else around you gets great news for example they are pregnant, you automatically feel this weight on your chest, for those that aren't in my shoes may wonder why would someone else's good news make you feel bad? Well it's not so much that I feel bad it's like a weight of jealousy. They have just gotten something I've been trying for and wanting for years. It's childish really but that's the way it is. It's not that I'm not happy for these friends or family members because I am so very happy for them, it's just that I really want it for myself. On the other hand, I don't want anyone going through what we've had to go through so I'm relieved when a friend that's been trying for months on end finally becomes pregnant but at the same time I'm jealous because I wish it was that easy for me. I'm a freak of nature lol. So that's what it feels like when someone else announces their good fortune.
As far as the pain I feel, it's a daily thing I deal with. I see families all around me and I wish I had my own. I feel incomplete, broken, damaged, and jealous all at the same time. How can that be healthy? It isn't lol. The broken parts of me make me depressed I don't want to do anything or see anyone or for that matter talk to anyone either. I feel ashamed that I'm like this, I feel like an outsider in my group of friends that have children, especially when everyone is hanging out and their kids are there and I'm the only one without. No one notices the pain I have because I mask it with a smile, and if someone catches me looking a little sad and says what's wrong? I laugh and say nothing why would you think that? See there is a constant mask on my face. But the mask is beautiful, she is happy, and carefree has no kids, gets to go and come as she pleases, she loves her life, she is not me! The real me may be beautiful with no kids and she may get to go and come as she pleases but would give that up to be a mom, yes I love my life but it's missing so much! It's missing babies crying, it's missing first foot steps, it's missing the up all night baby, it's missing the falling in love with someone day after day after day and not knowing that my heart could hold so much love feeling, it's missing the little milestones in a babies life, it's missing watching my husband play with the baby, it's missing looking at that sweet precious baby and thanking God everyday that he gave me this gift.
As much as I love being able to go out with my friends I would be just as happy to say no sorry I don't have a baby sitter, or let me ask someone if they can watch the baby. See the simple things that everyone takes for granted I'm missing them.
How come every single fuckin time I go through the "great depression" when I'm on the upside and starting to feel better someone else ends up pregnant? I mean come on now! It also seems to always be someone that thinks they are infertilie like me and ask for my advice and have only tried for a few months and then WHAM right in the kisser. UGH I hate infertility.
No that's not the name of a new club or bar I'm going to it's the way I've been feeling lately, ok lately I really mean the last 2 months. I've been in a funk, depression, sad, evil, bitch face depression. I didn't realize how bad I was in it until the other night. Danny told me that I am different lately that all I do is sit on the couch and watch tv or play on the computer, he wasn't happy at all. It's the truth though, I don't feel like doing anything but sitting there, I went to the gym last night the first time in 2 months, and felt so good when I left there those endorphins must have kicked in quicker than normal needless to say I needed them so badly. I told Danny I'm broken, it's the truth I really am, everyday I feel like there is a hole inside of me that keeps getting bigger by the day, apparently it's so big now that it's coming out in the form of bitch face and lazy ass! I hate those people bitch face is the bitch she is evil she can be nice one minute and then mean the next, no one wants to hang out with bitch face not even me! And then we have lazy ass she is someone that only wants to sit on her ass no matter what she is the laziest lazy person I've ever met. I am so sick of having a bitch face and a lazy ass!!! I'm also sick of having heart ache and infertility issues, but anyone who reads my blogs knows this!
When I was going to the therapist about my infertility she told me to name the person inside of me that is hurting so I gave her my middle name "Elizabeth" she told me to tell her that I was sorry, and tell her I forgive her and talk to her, aka myself! I was thinking about that yesterday after my two days of HELL! And I just out loud said I love you Elizabeth, it's ok, we are ok, I forgive you and I'm sorry for everything. It's crazy how good that felt, I think I really needed to forgive myself and let myself know it's ok that I get in these funks sometimes, but I also promised myself that we would change things, that we would make things better even if that meant taking our happy pills!
So last night I went to my weight watcher meeting, this is the 9th week that I've been going, UGH I gained 1.2 lbs, it is my period week but it's also been Halloween week and I've been depressed so I've been eating my feelings. So total for 9 weeks I'm at a total gain of .2 lbs that FUCKIN SUCKS! So my weight watcher leader informs me that she wants me to write everything I eat down and bring it to her so that she can see what I'm doing wrong, I know what I'm doing wrong... I'm not doing it! It sucks, my cousin Leslie started weeks after me and has lost a total of 8.6 lbs I'm so happy for her but come on Amy Elizabeth you can do this!!! Even through the depression I want this more than anything, usually when I get in a funk I say Fuck it, and stop going to meetings, but I haven't yet that's gotta say something. I must want this, I do want this, I have to do this NO MORE EXCUSES!
Bitch face, lazy ass, Amy, and Elizabeth we are doing this!!! HA HA HA I have 4 personalities!!! I'm fucked up in the head o shit! Wish me luck!
Labels: depression, infertility
