Original post date Sept 24, 2006

September 24, 2006

My house is quiet, so I wonder cause that's what I do the most, my head won't shut up just keeps thinking out loud, about my past present and future I just want to say hush don't make a sound. But it keeps thinking and wondering and all I'm left is this feeling of what's next and what if and will I ever. I hate those feelings the what if's what if I never have children? Can I live with myself? Can I keep my marriage together? Is our love strong enough? Will Danny still love me if I can't make him a Dad? I know you all that are reading this are thinking Duh Amy he loves you no matter what y'all are so great together but is it really enough? Have you ever had a regret in your life that you think about each and everyday? This is my regret, this is my torture this is something that keeps me up at night, this takes over my life, my thinking, my work, my friendships, my existance. The thoughts, the regrets, the worries, the tears, the pain I feel inside me just won't go away. How do you turn it off? How do you tell yourself it's all going to be ok when you have no freakin clue, how can anyone tell me it's going to be ok? Can you see the future can you tell me my life is going to work out, am I going to have kids? Am I going to huh am I? You don't know, I don't know does God even know? Stop before you say anything I don't want to hear it, I don't want you to tell me that he has bigger plans for me or that I just know your going to have kids that's your destiny cause YOU DON'T KNOW. And until your in my shoes and you feel what I feel and you hurt like I hurt you have no clue what I'm feeling or what I'm worried about or what God has in his plans for me. So yea I'm crazy I can feel it and it hurts sometimes my soul feels so empty and my heart so cold, my eyes are tired of crying these same ole tears of pain. I want to hear babies crying instead of this silence I want to be able to hold their tiny fingers and kiss their sweet cheeks I want to watch them crawl and walk and smile for the first time but most of all I want them to be mine. I give up, I'm tired of being tired of this, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of hurting, I'm just tired. Sorry this was kind of a downer but I just started writing and it just came out and so I'm really not sorry, it's just helps sometimes. So thanks for reading.