Original post date April 29 2006

April 29 2006

Infertility and Me!!

Danny and I have been married for almost 6 years now. Trying to have a baby for almost 5. Most people might not know our story so here is a little bit of it. Danny and I have been fighting an up hill battle for almost 5 years with infertility. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which makes it hard for us to conceive a baby, which is what both of us want more than anything in this world. We've had 2 failed IUI (Intrauterine Insimination) which is similar to artificial insimination. What seems like 3 dozen tests, and a million negative pregnancy tests. My heart aches almost every day of my life because I can't make me a mommy and Danny a daddy. I see mom's and dad's everywhere, the jelousy can really get to me sometimes. I've cried myself to sleep countless nights, and leaned on Danny for support that he can't really give cause he's hurting too. Our marriage has gotten so strong from having to deal with these heartaches, and we can make it through anything but what we want the most is a baby. I feel my patients running thin and my heart and my head are about to burst and happiness is something I only dream about and I can imitate pretty freakin well if you do ask me but damnit I'm ready to stop putting this mask on in front of everyone and show the real me, the mommy me, but I can't and who knows I may never get that chance. I don't want it to sound like I'm contradicting myself, cause I'm super happy with Danny that part of my life is perfect and stable but there is a hole missing a big black dark hole that is right there in front of us every freakin day. You can't go around it cause it just too big, you can't jump over it, and if you fall in you may never come out alive cause their is so much heartache and depression in that hole, so we push it in front of us all day long, carry it on our backs, and keep on trucking through a life filled with everyone but me having a baby and the life that I can only dream about. Not to say I'm not happy for each and every person in my life that has a baby or is pregnant but it's hard for me to be happy for them, when I can't be happy for myself. And the fastest way to failure is trying to please everyone. Ok I think I'm done with this semi pity party for one but I'm glad to get it off my chest and let everyone read it.