September 24, 2006
My house is quiet, so I wonder cause that's what I do the most, my head won't shut up just keeps thinking out loud, about my past present and future I just want to say hush don't make a sound. But it keeps thinking and wondering and all I'm left is this feeling of what's next and what if and will I ever. I hate those feelings the what if's what if I never have children? Can I live with myself? Can I keep my marriage together? Is our love strong enough? Will Danny still love me if I can't make him a Dad? I know you all that are reading this are thinking Duh Amy he loves you no matter what y'all are so great together but is it really enough? Have you ever had a regret in your life that you think about each and everyday? This is my regret, this is my torture this is something that keeps me up at night, this takes over my life, my thinking, my work, my friendships, my existance. The thoughts, the regrets, the worries, the tears, the pain I feel inside me just won't go away. How do you turn it off? How do you tell yourself it's all going to be ok when you have no freakin clue, how can anyone tell me it's going to be ok? Can you see the future can you tell me my life is going to work out, am I going to have kids? Am I going to huh am I? You don't know, I don't know does God even know? Stop before you say anything I don't want to hear it, I don't want you to tell me that he has bigger plans for me or that I just know your going to have kids that's your destiny cause YOU DON'T KNOW. And until your in my shoes and you feel what I feel and you hurt like I hurt you have no clue what I'm feeling or what I'm worried about or what God has in his plans for me. So yea I'm crazy I can feel it and it hurts sometimes my soul feels so empty and my heart so cold, my eyes are tired of crying these same ole tears of pain. I want to hear babies crying instead of this silence I want to be able to hold their tiny fingers and kiss their sweet cheeks I want to watch them crawl and walk and smile for the first time but most of all I want them to be mine. I give up, I'm tired of being tired of this, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of hurting, I'm just tired. Sorry this was kind of a downer but I just started writing and it just came out and so I'm really not sorry, it's just helps sometimes. So thanks for reading.
April 29 2006
Infertility and Me!!
Danny and I have been married for almost 6 years now. Trying to have a baby for almost 5. Most people might not know our story so here is a little bit of it. Danny and I have been fighting an up hill battle for almost 5 years with infertility. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which makes it hard for us to conceive a baby, which is what both of us want more than anything in this world. We've had 2 failed IUI (Intrauterine Insimination) which is similar to artificial insimination. What seems like 3 dozen tests, and a million negative pregnancy tests. My heart aches almost every day of my life because I can't make me a mommy and Danny a daddy. I see mom's and dad's everywhere, the jelousy can really get to me sometimes. I've cried myself to sleep countless nights, and leaned on Danny for support that he can't really give cause he's hurting too. Our marriage has gotten so strong from having to deal with these heartaches, and we can make it through anything but what we want the most is a baby. I feel my patients running thin and my heart and my head are about to burst and happiness is something I only dream about and I can imitate pretty freakin well if you do ask me but damnit I'm ready to stop putting this mask on in front of everyone and show the real me, the mommy me, but I can't and who knows I may never get that chance. I don't want it to sound like I'm contradicting myself, cause I'm super happy with Danny that part of my life is perfect and stable but there is a hole missing a big black dark hole that is right there in front of us every freakin day. You can't go around it cause it just too big, you can't jump over it, and if you fall in you may never come out alive cause their is so much heartache and depression in that hole, so we push it in front of us all day long, carry it on our backs, and keep on trucking through a life filled with everyone but me having a baby and the life that I can only dream about. Not to say I'm not happy for each and every person in my life that has a baby or is pregnant but it's hard for me to be happy for them, when I can't be happy for myself. And the fastest way to failure is trying to please everyone. Ok I think I'm done with this semi pity party for one but I'm glad to get it off my chest and let everyone read it.
