5 1/2 Months

I am officially 23 weeks pregnant which is 5 1/2 months. I was just thinking today about how my daily thoughts have completely changed within these few months. I went from thinking daily about my infertility, will I ever get pregnant, what will it feel like to be pregnant, how I will tell my family when I finally see that positive test...

The day I found out that I was expecting was the most amazing, yet craziest day of my life. I really wasn't expecting to see two lines, but when I did I couldn't stop smiling and crying and feeling over joyed. Telling our families was awesome, no one really believed us lol. Our first doctors appt was awesome we got to see our little blob of joy lol, that's what the baby looked like that day, we got to see it's heart beating and that was a wonderful feeling/relief to know that everything was ok. This is our 7 week ultrasound.

On our 12 week appt we were to hear the heartbeat on the dopplar, of course the baby was being stubborn and wouldn't let us hear it's heartbeat so we had to have another ultrasound, this time it actually looked like a baby it was amazing to me how much it changed in just 5 weeks. We not only go to see our baby we also got to hear the heartbeat on the ultrasound machine.

Around week 15 I started to feel flutters in my tummy, and then about a week or two after that I felt the first real movement, I rolled over in bed and the baby flipped over as well, it was the most awesome experience I've ever had. At week 20 we were to have the ultrasound of all ultrasounds and finally find out if our baby was a boy or a girl...

We are having a boy!!! Derek Logan Hubble!!! It's truly amazing the feelings and emotions that I have for this little boy all ready, I feel so attached and so in love with him. When he kicks or moves inside my belly I just get a smile from ear to ear, I always imagined what this would feel like and now that I finally have this I truly know what I was missing before, I truly am thankful for the gift that God has given to us, I am truly grateful for all the prayers and thoughts that people sent to us during our infertility days. I am truly a better person because of Derek, I have a stronger faith in God because of Derek, I finally know what the love of a parent for a child is like because of Derek. I love Danny more every day because of Derek and because Derek is the reason behind all of these wonderful things I have to thank God even more because without him I would have never had a chance to be Derek's mommy. I am so thankful that God picked Danny and I to be his parents, to raise him, I am so thankful that God let me go through infertility so that when I finally became Derek's mom that I would be this thankful for him, that I would be so happy for the little things. My relationship with God was on the rocks before Derek, I questioned him and I thought how could God give some people a child when they can't take care of themselves and here are two people ready and able to love a child and take care of it, but he knew what he was doing, his plan was far more great than I ever could have imagined. I have had this want for a child that has been like a thirst that has built up for 7 years, and now that I am finally on the final stretch of this pregnancy that drink of water was well worth the wait. Danny and I have gotten into church lately and we both got baptized on Easter Sunday, it was amazing, the feeling of relief I felt afterwards, it was as if all the doubts and questions that I had about God before were washed away in that water, all the pain I had felt in the past was left behind, and now we are new and refreshed and ready to start our lives with God and ready to raise Derek up to know the Lord.

We have now finished Derek's room, and there are times that I find myself just going in there and standing and looking around thinking is this for real. Danny and I stood arm in arm in his room and I simply said can you believe we finally have a nursery in our house for our baby? His response was no I can't. We are both still in shock and aww over it. Some days it's still not sunk in, but I am so happy that in only a few more weeks I will finally get to hold Derek in my arms and know that he is my child and kiss his sweet little face and see Danny do the exact same thing. He will be so loved by his mommy and his daddy.

What's been going on at the Hubble's

Two weeks from today we get to find out the sex of our baby, I am so ready so that I can start saying the baby's name or buying either stuff for boys or stuff for girls. I have felt the baby move several times, I felt the first official flutters a few weeks back and the first real movement about a week ago. It was truly amazing and mind blowing, I am still so astonished every single day at God's work. I am so thankful that he has placed this baby in our lives, we really needed this happiness, after all the years of depression, heartache and struggle it feels really good to say I am going to be a mommy instead of I don't know if I'll ever be a mommy. For the first time in my life everything I do I think twice before doing it, I worry so much about this baby, making sure I'm healthy so it's healthy is a big responsibility. I already have such a bond and connection and overwhelming love for this person that I've never even met it's truly amazing.

I finally got everything cleared out of the baby's future room and Danny installed new shelves in the closet and a new ceiling fan and we will be getting new blinds for the window. I am so ready to have the room painted and have the furniture set up and ready for the baby.

In other news Danny and I have been going to this great church lately and are really enjoying the experience, it's totally different than the catholic church we've both been so use to. In fact Danny joined the bible study class that my brother Joey is in, and he got saved yesterday, we are both talking about getting baptized again soon, we both got baptized when we were babies but now that we are older and are able to accept God into our lives ourselves we're thinking that we should do it again. It feels really good to be back in church and to be thanking God for this amazing gift he has given us.

Pregnancy after Infertility

Being pregnant is the most amazing and scary thing I think I've ever done lol. Knowing that I have someone growing inside of me is the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my life. The love I feel for this baby is unbelievable. The fear of something happening is overwhelming, but the good out weights the bad a thousand times over. Thinking about baby names and wondering if it's going to be a girl or a boy is something I only dreamed of before and now it's a reality that I can actually think about these things and know that in a few months there is going to actually be a baby in my arms. I can't wait until I can feel it moving and kicking, I've already been lucky enough to have two ultrasounds one at week 7 and the baby looked like a blob but we got to see the heartbeat it was so amazing. Then again at week 12 it's amazing to me how much the baby changed in just 5 weeks you could tell it was a baby, you could see it's little nose, and lips and facial features, it's head, it's body and it's feet. Then she showed us the heartbeat again and let us hear it it was so amazing, it brought tears to mine and Danny's eyes. We've tried for so many years to get to this point and it is so worth it. I find myself staring at the ultrasound picture and falling more and more in love with this baby as days go by.

Infertility took a lot out of me, it changed me, and my world, it hurt like hell everyday. I had a constant reminder every time I would see a pregnant woman, see babies, or hear a song on the radio about someones children. I put on a smile all the time and acted like everything was ok and people thought that meant I was strong, but in reality I was weak, I cried a lot during those 7 years, I wondered why me, I was depressed and I know at sometime I even pulled away from some of my friends. I am happy to say they were all still there for me in the end. Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I forgot about the pain, in fact now being pregnant makes all that pain and tears and years worth every bit of it. I think going through all of that is going to make me a better parent, a more loving mother. It's like all these years have been getting me ready for my moment of success, my moment of happiness, my moment of joy. I can't explain how much happiness and love I feel in my heart and the gratitude I have for God for giving me this miracle. I am so thankful and will always be thankful for this chance to be the mom I always wanted to be. I am so excited to finally meet my baby, hold it in my arms, and kiss it's little face. I think I am even more excited to see Danny with the baby. It is going to be an awesome day and August can't come soon enough!!!

Exciting News

As everyone in the world or in my little world knows I've been struggling with infertility for 7 years now, well I'm pregnant! Yes I'm serious! LOL everyone I've told thought I was lying at first lol. I was over a week late so I told Danny that I needed to get a pregnancy test so that I could go ahead and start, so the Tuesday night I asked Danny to do something with me we've never done before, we prayed together, the very next morning I took the test and it turned immediately it was so exciting, all day Wednesday I was in total disbelief, shock and aww, I am going to finally after 7 long years be a mommy!!! My first official due date is August 11th, 2009!!! Yay just had to spread the word. Will keep my blog updated with all of the good little details.

What it's like

I know unless your in my shoes you don't know what it feels like to be infertile, so I thought I would try and help everyone understand. When someone else around you gets great news for example they are pregnant, you automatically feel this weight on your chest, for those that aren't in my shoes may wonder why would someone else's good news make you feel bad? Well it's not so much that I feel bad it's like a weight of jealousy. They have just gotten something I've been trying for and wanting for years. It's childish really but that's the way it is. It's not that I'm not happy for these friends or family members because I am so very happy for them, it's just that I really want it for myself. On the other hand, I don't want anyone going through what we've had to go through so I'm relieved when a friend that's been trying for months on end finally becomes pregnant but at the same time I'm jealous because I wish it was that easy for me. I'm a freak of nature lol. So that's what it feels like when someone else announces their good fortune.



As far as the pain I feel, it's a daily thing I deal with. I see families all around me and I wish I had my own. I feel incomplete, broken, damaged, and jealous all at the same time. How can that be healthy? It isn't lol. The broken parts of me make me depressed I don't want to do anything or see anyone or for that matter talk to anyone either. I feel ashamed that I'm like this, I feel like an outsider in my group of friends that have children, especially when everyone is hanging out and their kids are there and I'm the only one without. No one notices the pain I have because I mask it with a smile, and if someone catches me looking a little sad and says what's wrong? I laugh and say nothing why would you think that? See there is a constant mask on my face. But the mask is beautiful, she is happy, and carefree has no kids, gets to go and come as she pleases, she loves her life, she is not me! The real me may be beautiful with no kids and she may get to go and come as she pleases but would give that up to be a mom, yes I love my life but it's missing so much! It's missing babies crying, it's missing first foot steps, it's missing the up all night baby, it's missing the falling in love with someone day after day after day and not knowing that my heart could hold so much love feeling, it's missing the little milestones in a babies life, it's missing watching my husband play with the baby, it's missing looking at that sweet precious baby and thanking God everyday that he gave me this gift.



As much as I love being able to go out with my friends I would be just as happy to say no sorry I don't have a baby sitter, or let me ask someone if they can watch the baby. See the simple things that everyone takes for granted I'm missing them.

What tha fuck

How come every single fuckin time I go through the "great depression" when I'm on the upside and starting to feel better someone else ends up pregnant? I mean come on now! It also seems to always be someone that thinks they are infertilie like me and ask for my advice and have only tried for a few months and then WHAM right in the kisser. UGH I hate infertility.

In tha Funk

No that's not the name of a new club or bar I'm going to it's the way I've been feeling lately, ok lately I really mean the last 2 months. I've been in a funk, depression, sad, evil, bitch face depression. I didn't realize how bad I was in it until the other night. Danny told me that I am different lately that all I do is sit on the couch and watch tv or play on the computer, he wasn't happy at all. It's the truth though, I don't feel like doing anything but sitting there, I went to the gym last night the first time in 2 months, and felt so good when I left there those endorphins must have kicked in quicker than normal needless to say I needed them so badly. I told Danny I'm broken, it's the truth I really am, everyday I feel like there is a hole inside of me that keeps getting bigger by the day, apparently it's so big now that it's coming out in the form of bitch face and lazy ass! I hate those people bitch face is the bitch she is evil she can be nice one minute and then mean the next, no one wants to hang out with bitch face not even me! And then we have lazy ass she is someone that only wants to sit on her ass no matter what she is the laziest lazy person I've ever met. I am so sick of having a bitch face and a lazy ass!!! I'm also sick of having heart ache and infertility issues, but anyone who reads my blogs knows this!

When I was going to the therapist about my infertility she told me to name the person inside of me that is hurting so I gave her my middle name "Elizabeth" she told me to tell her that I was sorry, and tell her I forgive her and talk to her, aka myself! I was thinking about that yesterday after my two days of HELL! And I just out loud said I love you Elizabeth, it's ok, we are ok, I forgive you and I'm sorry for everything. It's crazy how good that felt, I think I really needed to forgive myself and let myself know it's ok that I get in these funks sometimes, but I also promised myself that we would change things, that we would make things better even if that meant taking our happy pills!

So last night I went to my weight watcher meeting, this is the 9th week that I've been going, UGH I gained 1.2 lbs, it is my period week but it's also been Halloween week and I've been depressed so I've been eating my feelings. So total for 9 weeks I'm at a total gain of .2 lbs that FUCKIN SUCKS! So my weight watcher leader informs me that she wants me to write everything I eat down and bring it to her so that she can see what I'm doing wrong, I know what I'm doing wrong... I'm not doing it! It sucks, my cousin Leslie started weeks after me and has lost a total of 8.6 lbs I'm so happy for her but come on Amy Elizabeth you can do this!!! Even through the depression I want this more than anything, usually when I get in a funk I say Fuck it, and stop going to meetings, but I haven't yet that's gotta say something. I must want this, I do want this, I have to do this NO MORE EXCUSES!

Bitch face, lazy ass, Amy, and Elizabeth we are doing this!!! HA HA HA I have 4 personalities!!! I'm fucked up in the head o shit! Wish me luck!