Two weeks from today we get to find out the sex of our baby, I am so ready so that I can start saying the baby's name or buying either stuff for boys or stuff for girls. I have felt the baby move several times, I felt the first official flutters a few weeks back and the first real movement about a week ago. It was truly amazing and mind blowing, I am still so astonished every single day at God's work. I am so thankful that he has placed this baby in our lives, we really needed this happiness, after all the years of depression, heartache and struggle it feels really good to say I am going to be a mommy instead of I don't know if I'll ever be a mommy. For the first time in my life everything I do I think twice before doing it, I worry so much about this baby, making sure I'm healthy so it's healthy is a big responsibility. I already have such a bond and connection and overwhelming love for this person that I've never even met it's truly amazing.
I finally got everything cleared out of the baby's future room and Danny installed new shelves in the closet and a new ceiling fan and we will be getting new blinds for the window. I am so ready to have the room painted and have the furniture set up and ready for the baby.
In other news Danny and I have been going to this great church lately and are really enjoying the experience, it's totally different than the catholic church we've both been so use to. In fact Danny joined the bible study class that my brother Joey is in, and he got saved yesterday, we are both talking about getting baptized again soon, we both got baptized when we were babies but now that we are older and are able to accept God into our lives ourselves we're thinking that we should do it again. It feels really good to be back in church and to be thanking God for this amazing gift he has given us.
Being pregnant is the most amazing and scary thing I think I've ever done lol. Knowing that I have someone growing inside of me is the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my life. The love I feel for this baby is unbelievable. The fear of something happening is overwhelming, but the good out weights the bad a thousand times over. Thinking about baby names and wondering if it's going to be a girl or a boy is something I only dreamed of before and now it's a reality that I can actually think about these things and know that in a few months there is going to actually be a baby in my arms. I can't wait until I can feel it moving and kicking, I've already been lucky enough to have two ultrasounds one at week 7 and the baby looked like a blob but we got to see the heartbeat it was so amazing. Then again at week 12 it's amazing to me how much the baby changed in just 5 weeks you could tell it was a baby, you could see it's little nose, and lips and facial features, it's head, it's body and it's feet. Then she showed us the heartbeat again and let us hear it it was so amazing, it brought tears to mine and Danny's eyes. We've tried for so many years to get to this point and it is so worth it. I find myself staring at the ultrasound picture and falling more and more in love with this baby as days go by.
Infertility took a lot out of me, it changed me, and my world, it hurt like hell everyday. I had a constant reminder every time I would see a pregnant woman, see babies, or hear a song on the radio about someones children. I put on a smile all the time and acted like everything was ok and people thought that meant I was strong, but in reality I was weak, I cried a lot during those 7 years, I wondered why me, I was depressed and I know at sometime I even pulled away from some of my friends. I am happy to say they were all still there for me in the end. Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I forgot about the pain, in fact now being pregnant makes all that pain and tears and years worth every bit of it. I think going through all of that is going to make me a better parent, a more loving mother. It's like all these years have been getting me ready for my moment of success, my moment of happiness, my moment of joy. I can't explain how much happiness and love I feel in my heart and the gratitude I have for God for giving me this miracle. I am so thankful and will always be thankful for this chance to be the mom I always wanted to be. I am so excited to finally meet my baby, hold it in my arms, and kiss it's little face. I think I am even more excited to see Danny with the baby. It is going to be an awesome day and August can't come soon enough!!!
As everyone in the world or in my little world knows I've been struggling with infertility for 7 years now, well I'm pregnant! Yes I'm serious! LOL everyone I've told thought I was lying at first lol. I was over a week late so I told Danny that I needed to get a pregnancy test so that I could go ahead and start, so the Tuesday night I asked Danny to do something with me we've never done before, we prayed together, the very next morning I took the test and it turned immediately it was so exciting, all day Wednesday I was in total disbelief, shock and aww, I am going to finally after 7 long years be a mommy!!! My first official due date is August 11th, 2009!!! Yay just had to spread the word. Will keep my blog updated with all of the good little details.
I know unless your in my shoes you don't know what it feels like to be infertile, so I thought I would try and help everyone understand. When someone else around you gets great news for example they are pregnant, you automatically feel this weight on your chest, for those that aren't in my shoes may wonder why would someone else's good news make you feel bad? Well it's not so much that I feel bad it's like a weight of jealousy. They have just gotten something I've been trying for and wanting for years. It's childish really but that's the way it is. It's not that I'm not happy for these friends or family members because I am so very happy for them, it's just that I really want it for myself. On the other hand, I don't want anyone going through what we've had to go through so I'm relieved when a friend that's been trying for months on end finally becomes pregnant but at the same time I'm jealous because I wish it was that easy for me. I'm a freak of nature lol. So that's what it feels like when someone else announces their good fortune.
As far as the pain I feel, it's a daily thing I deal with. I see families all around me and I wish I had my own. I feel incomplete, broken, damaged, and jealous all at the same time. How can that be healthy? It isn't lol. The broken parts of me make me depressed I don't want to do anything or see anyone or for that matter talk to anyone either. I feel ashamed that I'm like this, I feel like an outsider in my group of friends that have children, especially when everyone is hanging out and their kids are there and I'm the only one without. No one notices the pain I have because I mask it with a smile, and if someone catches me looking a little sad and says what's wrong? I laugh and say nothing why would you think that? See there is a constant mask on my face. But the mask is beautiful, she is happy, and carefree has no kids, gets to go and come as she pleases, she loves her life, she is not me! The real me may be beautiful with no kids and she may get to go and come as she pleases but would give that up to be a mom, yes I love my life but it's missing so much! It's missing babies crying, it's missing first foot steps, it's missing the up all night baby, it's missing the falling in love with someone day after day after day and not knowing that my heart could hold so much love feeling, it's missing the little milestones in a babies life, it's missing watching my husband play with the baby, it's missing looking at that sweet precious baby and thanking God everyday that he gave me this gift.
As much as I love being able to go out with my friends I would be just as happy to say no sorry I don't have a baby sitter, or let me ask someone if they can watch the baby. See the simple things that everyone takes for granted I'm missing them.
How come every single fuckin time I go through the "great depression" when I'm on the upside and starting to feel better someone else ends up pregnant? I mean come on now! It also seems to always be someone that thinks they are infertilie like me and ask for my advice and have only tried for a few months and then WHAM right in the kisser. UGH I hate infertility.
No that's not the name of a new club or bar I'm going to it's the way I've been feeling lately, ok lately I really mean the last 2 months. I've been in a funk, depression, sad, evil, bitch face depression. I didn't realize how bad I was in it until the other night. Danny told me that I am different lately that all I do is sit on the couch and watch tv or play on the computer, he wasn't happy at all. It's the truth though, I don't feel like doing anything but sitting there, I went to the gym last night the first time in 2 months, and felt so good when I left there those endorphins must have kicked in quicker than normal needless to say I needed them so badly. I told Danny I'm broken, it's the truth I really am, everyday I feel like there is a hole inside of me that keeps getting bigger by the day, apparently it's so big now that it's coming out in the form of bitch face and lazy ass! I hate those people bitch face is the bitch she is evil she can be nice one minute and then mean the next, no one wants to hang out with bitch face not even me! And then we have lazy ass she is someone that only wants to sit on her ass no matter what she is the laziest lazy person I've ever met. I am so sick of having a bitch face and a lazy ass!!! I'm also sick of having heart ache and infertility issues, but anyone who reads my blogs knows this!
When I was going to the therapist about my infertility she told me to name the person inside of me that is hurting so I gave her my middle name "Elizabeth" she told me to tell her that I was sorry, and tell her I forgive her and talk to her, aka myself! I was thinking about that yesterday after my two days of HELL! And I just out loud said I love you Elizabeth, it's ok, we are ok, I forgive you and I'm sorry for everything. It's crazy how good that felt, I think I really needed to forgive myself and let myself know it's ok that I get in these funks sometimes, but I also promised myself that we would change things, that we would make things better even if that meant taking our happy pills!
So last night I went to my weight watcher meeting, this is the 9th week that I've been going, UGH I gained 1.2 lbs, it is my period week but it's also been Halloween week and I've been depressed so I've been eating my feelings. So total for 9 weeks I'm at a total gain of .2 lbs that FUCKIN SUCKS! So my weight watcher leader informs me that she wants me to write everything I eat down and bring it to her so that she can see what I'm doing wrong, I know what I'm doing wrong... I'm not doing it! It sucks, my cousin Leslie started weeks after me and has lost a total of 8.6 lbs I'm so happy for her but come on Amy Elizabeth you can do this!!! Even through the depression I want this more than anything, usually when I get in a funk I say Fuck it, and stop going to meetings, but I haven't yet that's gotta say something. I must want this, I do want this, I have to do this NO MORE EXCUSES!
Bitch face, lazy ass, Amy, and Elizabeth we are doing this!!! HA HA HA I have 4 personalities!!! I'm fucked up in the head o shit! Wish me luck!
Labels: depression, infertility
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. And well y'all know me lol, Lil Miss Infertility herself has to write a blog about it lol. Hardly ever do you find me in a smiley/happy mood when I write a blog about infertility but this one is different. I am happy there is a week like this, I just wish it was more out there and loud and everyone in America knew about it like they do other Awareness months and weeks, I wish I could just do something to spread the word more than just my blogs but oh well.
So for those of you that know me you know that infertility is like my shadow it's always there even though sometimes of the day you can't see it. For those of you that don't know this about me, you really should read my blogs lol!!!
When your married the first part of your marriage you get the questions like "so how is married life?" I use to answer just like it was before lol. And then as all married people know we get the "So when are you going to have children?" question, and I use to answer as soon as possible, I was in a pissed off mood one time when someone asked me and I said I guess when a kid falls out lol. I get asked that questions by people that know me, people that know we've had this problem, aunts and uncles. On the good days I'm nice, and then other times they ask me on a bad day and those days I end up being the biggest smart ass in the world, I say things like "well we've been trying", or "we have problems", or I might even get bitchier and say "who knows, I have problems that keep us from getting prego." that doesn't sound that bitchy in text but the way my brain was adding in the tude it really was lol. The other day our insurance agent for the office came in, he comes by at least once a year if not twice, he was talking to Angela about her son Tyler being 17 and able to drive, then he looks over in my office and says "do you have any children yet?" Of course I said no not yet, and then he says "are you going to or are you just going to be kid free forever able to go and come as you please?" well that hit a nerve and I was so trying to be nice and said "well I would have gotten pregnant the day we got married, it just didn't work out that way" and he was like oh ok and then left soon after that. My sister said doesn't that piss you off when people ask you that, I said maybe he didn't know, and she said he asks you every time he comes in here!!! The funny thing is one of our salesmen came in the other day and asked when I was going to have kids and before I could say anything Angela jumped to it and it sounded a little smart ass (don't remember her exact words lol) and it for some reason made me feel better that she was the one that had to say it not me, I am so sick and tired of telling people that I am infertile that I am the one with the problem, that I can't have babies.
But the one thing I am more sick of is people telling me stupid things to try and help, like just relax and it will happen, go on vacation and it will happen, don't stress and it will happen, stand on your head after sex and it will happen, stop trying and it will just happen, and that's just a few that I've heard!!! It's like I have been trying to have a baby for over 7 years don't you think I've tried all of that? Let's see here relax well the last couple of years I quit trying I just decided to let it happen if it was going to happen... did it happen??? hmmmm Nope!!! In the 7 years I've went on vacation with Danny to Bahamas, Aruba, St. Thomas, On a cruise to Jamaica, Cozumel, and Grand Cayman Islands, another cruise to Bermuda, to Panama City Beach FL a hundred times, Gatlinburg, Gulf Shores AL, New York City, and I'm sure about 10 other places I can't think of right now and going on vacation didn't get me knocked up either. The only thing standing on my head did was give me a head ache!!!
People that have never been through this don't know how hard it is, I read somewhere that infertility is like mourning a death, because every month when Uncle T.O.M. and Aunt Flo visit it's just an awful reminder that you didn't make a baby. I can say that I don't feel like that every month, it's not the same pain, with loosing a loved one you actually got the pleasure of knowing that person so you get to miss them and the pain of loosing a loved one is understanded around the world. Where as every month I'm left wondering if I'll ever get to meet my baby, and people don't understand that pain. Some months have been harder, the months that we had IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) done I expected to be pregnant those months and the pain was almost unbearable, I cried myself to sleep countless nights, it was so bad that Danny asked if we could take a break because he couldn't stand seeing me like that anymore. I've gotten better about hiding my pain behind a smile.
I've had friends that know everything we've been through tell me how strong they think I am because every time they see me I have a smile on my face, when I hear of pregnancies I smile while deep down inside I'm dying of jealousy and pain and the question why not me. When I hear someone else is pregnant I feel bad for feeling those things and then I have guilt because I should have been more supportive and more congratulatory towards them, I feel like I've lost my compassion, I feel like I've lost my ability to be completely happy for others, I feel like a big green monster of jealousy. I hate what infertility has done to me. It's even been a strain on some of my friendships I found myself pushing people away or not talking to them or answering phone calls for the simple fact that I was so depressed that I couldn't talk to anyone because I was afraid they were going to ask me something about babies or one of our appointments and I couldn't talk about it without crying and I didn't want to cry anymore.
It got to be so bad I just knew I was going to get pregnant back then (back then I mean around the IUI in 2003!!!) that I bought all of the stuff I wanted for my nursery the baby bedding, the light switch cover, a little piggy bank, a lamp shade, a night light, book ends everything matched my theme of precious moments Noah's ark. I've had this stuff in a box in our attic since 2003, when Danny's nephew Adrian moved in and we had a baby bed for him instead of buying new stuff I decided to get the bedding out and use it since I didn't think I would ever get to use it for my own baby, it was so hard to walk into our extra bedroom with two baby beds set up, one for Jeffrey and one for Adrian, and see that bedding being used for someone elses child. See that's what I mean by jealousy, it shows up at the wrong time! I let Amber keep the bedding when she moved out but just the other week when we had a yard sale I decided it was time to get rid of the other reminders, so as I'm sitting out in my driveway pricing all of our stuff I come to that box, that box that's been sitting in my attic taunting me all these years, I pull out piece by piece, pricing each of them after I had them all out on the table I see the book, it was a story book for kids that was just like the theme of the bedding. I had the whole room planned out on a piece of paper stuck inside this book. As soon as I opened it and saw the drawing of the babies nursery my eyes filled up, as they are right now, and I sat there in the middle of my driveway with tears rolling down my face, luckily for me no one was there yet, then Danny pulled in and asked what was wrong all I had to do was show him the drawing and the only thing he said was "oh!" he knew what I was feeling cause he felt it too, it was just as hard when that was the first few items I sold. It felt like I was giving up, even though I'm not and never will, but it was hard to give that stuff up.
Ok I'm done lol, I started this to be all about making people aware of the week, aware of infertility, and it turned into being a blog about the pain, but then again infertility is pain it's a pain in my chest, and it's a pain in my ass. So I hope I've made even one more person aware of infertility. Thanks for reading my blog. Have a wonderful day!
Labels: infertility
