As most if not all of you know Danny and I tried for 7 years before we were blessed with a miracle from God, here I am with who knows how long till Derek arrives it could really be any day now, but if he doesn't come on his own I will be induced one day next week, my due date is Tuesday! I've loved the song "Here" by Rascal Flatts since I first heard it, I know that in the song it talks about finding a love or significant other but for me it really has taken on a new meaning. I'm going to explain...
The chorus in itself is the one thing that is so true for me, "I wouldn't change a thing I'd walk right back through the rain, back to every broken heart on the day that it was breakin' and I'd relive all the years and be thankful for the tears I've cried with every stumbled step that led to you and got me here, right here. " It's so powerful I've had many broken hearts in the past 7 years almost once a month when I would start or when I took a pregnancy test and it was negative, those years truly made me the person that I am and those tears I am thankful for them, they are what has made this pregnancy journey the greatest gift I've ever received, without them I don't know that every moment I've felt my baby move inside my belly would have been so powerful, everytime I got to see his precious face on that ultrasound screen so moving, everytime I heard his heartbeat on the dopplar would make my heart skip a beat. I am so thankful that I got to experience that pain, that want, that desire because it's only going to make me a better Mommy. I am so beyond ready to hold my precious child in my arms, hear his cry, kiss his cheeks, look at those beautiful eyes, see that his nose really is mine and his lips really are his Daddy's, the moment that child comes into this world my life will forever change and in the best way possible. He is already so loved and spoiled, and I will make sure every single day that he knows how precious he is to me and how for so many years I've longed for him, and how thankful to God I am that he blessed us with a miracle.
Last night started our first of 6 week child birth classes... we only have 7 weeks till our due date lol, I sure hope we make it to the last class, it may just be the most important one! Last nights class was a basic introduction, learned a little breathing, and got to see pictures of how much my insides are cramped up because of Derek lol. She told us that we could start now by teaching him a routine that should carry on into when he's here, if you go to bed with noise and light he will not know what is day time and what is sleep time, because they can already see light and hear thru your belly, but if you have it dark and quite when you go to sleep then they will get use to that and know when it's time to go to bed the lights will be out. Well if that's the case then we've got this in the bag lol, Danny and I have always slept with it pitch black in our room and no noise, so maybe just maybe after the transition of Derek being here and it's time for him to sleep thru the night he may just do well lol. I am not expecting it for the first 3 months at least though lol.
Within the next few weeks we have a lot going on, this weekend is our first shower, I am so excited to open all the little stuff for Derek, and knowing that I really don't have that much longer till we get to use the products kinda freaks me out a little bit, but I am so excited and ready. The following week is 4th of July then after that we have our final shower given by my step-m0m-in-law lol.
I can't believe it's almost time to have our baby, a little nervous about the whole process but I am ok, I still stop and thank God at least once a day for this miracle he has given me, I love feeling him move and kick inside my belly, it's a feeling I really only dreamed about and thought that I would never feel but I am so thankful that I was given this chance to be a mom. I love watching Danny watch or feel my belly move his face lights up when he talks to him and Derek responds with a kick, I have a feeling Danny's already wrapped around his little finger, they say girls are the ones that wrap dad's but as long as we've been waiting I think Derek has both of us wrapped. I can't wait to see who he looks like, I hope he has Danny's lips, we both think he's already got a Reese nose lol, I can't wait to kiss his cheeks and his belly and hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him, and see him look back at me, I am so ready to see Danny hold him, my mom told me the other day that the delivery room is going to be so emotional for all of us, and I am starting to believe it, I am already emotional thinking about this beautiful baby boy coming into this world.
I have written blogs in the past on or about Mother's Day, usually it was because I had a lot of heart ache and just longed for once in my life to have that holiday mean something to me other than a reminder of the things I didn't have. Today is a beautiful day, it's mother's day and even though Derek isn't here yet, I finally realize this day has so much more meaning than what I ever imagined. I was awaken today by my sweet little man kicking me most likely cause he didn't like how I was laying but I just laid there and enjoyed his kicks, and thought to myself how wonderful this feeling is, and then when Danny woke up and he was still kicking and started to kick more when he heard our voices I told Danny he was kicking to tell me Happy Mother's Day, of course we both got a good laugh out of it. My wonderful husband then proceeded to give me a gift I wasn't expecting and the tears started to flow, it was a beautiful card and the words he wrote to me made me realize I wasn't the only one excited that I finally get to celebrate this day as a mother that Danny was and is just as excited as I was, then I looked in the bag, and there was this beautiful figurine from Willow Tree called "our gift" a woman and a man standing arm in arm holding a little baby. I can't explain how wonderful of a husband I have, he is absolutely the sweetest man I know. I look back today on the past 7 years and I just feel so blessed and so thankful that even through the heart ache and the tears Danny and I stayed strong together, and I am so thankful for the tears that I have cried along this journey because it has made ever second of this pregnancy a gift, God has blessed me and today I just wanted to write a blog that for once wasn't about poor pitiful me but about how thankful I am, I hope that everyone has a wonderful and safe Mother's Day. I am going to my mom's this afternoon, where we always take Mother's Day pictures and today instead of standing with empty arms in pictures I will be holding my belly which houses my son, and that is the most wonderful mother's day gift I will ever receive in my entire life.
So as of Tuesday I will be 6 months pregnant!!! It has gone by so fast, I love feeling Derek kick it's the most wonderous and amazing thing I've ever felt before in my life. All the years of trying I never imagined it would be so wonderful. He kicks when his Daddy talks to him, he kicks when I sing in the car lol, most likely telling Mommy to shut up lol. Yesterday he kicked just about all day long. I just sit back and enjoy it, knowing how long it took me to get to this point, I just stop and enjoy him. Some days I find myself sitting in his room just enjoying it, waiting, wishing, day dreaming about him. I can't wait to hold him, to meet him, to kiss him. He is truly a dream come true for me. Danny enjoys feeling him kick too, he said last night I can't even imagine how it must feel like on the inside lol. I am so thankful to God for this wonderful gift.
Two weeks from today we get to find out the sex of our baby, I am so ready so that I can start saying the baby's name or buying either stuff for boys or stuff for girls. I have felt the baby move several times, I felt the first official flutters a few weeks back and the first real movement about a week ago. It was truly amazing and mind blowing, I am still so astonished every single day at God's work. I am so thankful that he has placed this baby in our lives, we really needed this happiness, after all the years of depression, heartache and struggle it feels really good to say I am going to be a mommy instead of I don't know if I'll ever be a mommy. For the first time in my life everything I do I think twice before doing it, I worry so much about this baby, making sure I'm healthy so it's healthy is a big responsibility. I already have such a bond and connection and overwhelming love for this person that I've never even met it's truly amazing.
I finally got everything cleared out of the baby's future room and Danny installed new shelves in the closet and a new ceiling fan and we will be getting new blinds for the window. I am so ready to have the room painted and have the furniture set up and ready for the baby.
In other news Danny and I have been going to this great church lately and are really enjoying the experience, it's totally different than the catholic church we've both been so use to. In fact Danny joined the bible study class that my brother Joey is in, and he got saved yesterday, we are both talking about getting baptized again soon, we both got baptized when we were babies but now that we are older and are able to accept God into our lives ourselves we're thinking that we should do it again. It feels really good to be back in church and to be thanking God for this amazing gift he has given us.
Being pregnant is the most amazing and scary thing I think I've ever done lol. Knowing that I have someone growing inside of me is the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my life. The love I feel for this baby is unbelievable. The fear of something happening is overwhelming, but the good out weights the bad a thousand times over. Thinking about baby names and wondering if it's going to be a girl or a boy is something I only dreamed of before and now it's a reality that I can actually think about these things and know that in a few months there is going to actually be a baby in my arms. I can't wait until I can feel it moving and kicking, I've already been lucky enough to have two ultrasounds one at week 7 and the baby looked like a blob but we got to see the heartbeat it was so amazing. Then again at week 12 it's amazing to me how much the baby changed in just 5 weeks you could tell it was a baby, you could see it's little nose, and lips and facial features, it's head, it's body and it's feet. Then she showed us the heartbeat again and let us hear it it was so amazing, it brought tears to mine and Danny's eyes. We've tried for so many years to get to this point and it is so worth it. I find myself staring at the ultrasound picture and falling more and more in love with this baby as days go by.
Infertility took a lot out of me, it changed me, and my world, it hurt like hell everyday. I had a constant reminder every time I would see a pregnant woman, see babies, or hear a song on the radio about someones children. I put on a smile all the time and acted like everything was ok and people thought that meant I was strong, but in reality I was weak, I cried a lot during those 7 years, I wondered why me, I was depressed and I know at sometime I even pulled away from some of my friends. I am happy to say they were all still there for me in the end. Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I forgot about the pain, in fact now being pregnant makes all that pain and tears and years worth every bit of it. I think going through all of that is going to make me a better parent, a more loving mother. It's like all these years have been getting me ready for my moment of success, my moment of happiness, my moment of joy. I can't explain how much happiness and love I feel in my heart and the gratitude I have for God for giving me this miracle. I am so thankful and will always be thankful for this chance to be the mom I always wanted to be. I am so excited to finally meet my baby, hold it in my arms, and kiss it's little face. I think I am even more excited to see Danny with the baby. It is going to be an awesome day and August can't come soon enough!!!
