Sometimes you just have to look out the window

So this weekend a group of us friends went canoeing down the Buffalo river in TN, it was a blast and I will be writing about that shortly... however, in one truck that went up earlier it was Danny, Andy, Jerry and two kids Dalton and Zachary. In the second truck that headed up a little later was Me, Kristy and Jamie. Now for those of you that don't know these people Kristy and Andy are married they have two children Zachary (8) and Kailyn (2), and Jamie and Jerry are married with two kids Dalton (7) and Chase (2) and you all know that Danny and I don't have any children, so now that we've got that straight here comes the blog lol....



While in the car Jamie and Kristy started talking about when they were pregnant with their babies and things that happened and this and that, this was an hour of baby talk and pregnancy talk, I felt so left out of the conversation that I just found myself looking out the window trying to hold back the tears and the expressions of would y'all shut the fuck up lol. I know that sounds just plain awlful but it's the truth I feel left out and I feel like why can't I be in on their conversation, I mean all three couples have been married right around the same length of time and yet these two couples have been able to have two beautiful children, and I'm like WHY NOT ME!!!!

So I told Danny this the other day in which in informed me that he felt the same way at times during our trip, made me sad all over again because for me I can get over the feelings I'm having or push them away but to hear that it effected Danny too makes me just want to cry and it makes it harder on me, not that I don't want to know because I do I want to know that he feels the same way I do and it's great that I'm not the only one in this relationship that's feeling this way but it crushes me that I can't make him a Daddy.

You know there are always those people that don't understand it and say stupid things and really mean it in a good way and it always makes you look at them and think what the hell are you smoking lol, well I have those moments all the time with people they will either say stuff like O you're going to be a great mom, or you've got plenty of time, or ahh you don't want kids right now anyways, or you can borrow mine, they'll make you not want any of your own, I've also heard I wish we were like y'all and have waited so that we could have fun before we had kids. I'm like do you really think I decided to not have kids on my own? HELL NO I didn't it just happened and it wasn't something that I could do to change it, my body is just a bitch lol.

Here is what I wish I could say to those responses...

O you're going to be a great mom... how the hell do you know? I might drop my kid on it's head everyday lol, but thanks for having such high hopes for my future, lol that sounds so bad coming out but it's the truth they have no clue how great I'm going to be.

You've got plenty of time... Well really do I now? I've been trying to have a baby for the past 7 years with no luck yet and I'm only getting older so yep your right dumbass I have plenty of time.

You don't want kids right now anyways, or you can have mine they will make you not want any... first of all if I didn't want kids right now I wouldn't be trying and second I don't want you're little brats I want my own brats I already know my kids aren't going to be perfect but they will be mine.

And my most fave of all... God knows what he's doing and there is a reason he didn't give y'all a child yet... Ok so when did God start telling you his plans? Because the last time I talked to him he never talked back! Not that I don't believe there is some greater plan out there but I just don't understand why God who see's and knows all would give a child to some skank ass hoe that is either going to cut it's throat right after it's born and hide it in the trunk of her car because no one knew she was pregnant and she didn't want her boyfriend to leave her (and yes that is a true story of a skank ass hoe I went to high school with) or these stupid fuckers that beat their kids, or leave them in the car during 100 degree weather why on earth would God give a child to these people before giving a child to someone that's going to love and care for them? Why would he make me go thru hell before seeing heaven? Why would he make other women like me suffer this way? Why I don't know why I can tell you one thing about infertility that I do love is unlike most couples that go thru the ups and downs of infertility it has actually made my marriage stronger, so that is a plus but if I could change it I would so much rather have made our marriage stronger some other way.

One more thing before I end this wildly crazy just off the wall blog is that I am craving a baby of my own so bad that I know I will be a great mom because I've been planning and learning from all of my friends and family and I will have the knowledge and the love and the patience to have a child because I've had the knowledge the love and the patience in getting one so I can't wait to hold my little baby in my arms kiss it's little nose and love it forever. I am waiting on you Danny Lee III and Amily Elizabeth we are ready to be your parents and love you forever.